Conscious Uncoupling became a topic of conversation when Gwyneth Paltrow and Chris Martin used the term to announce they were separating after ten years of marriage back in 2014.
Over the years, there has been a lot of mis-conceptions about the process, mainly that it's for the 'rich and famous' and for those who are 'happily divorcing'.
In my coaching practice, I use the process of 'Conscious Loving Divorce'. I've had many conversations over the years and have noticed some common mis-understandings which I'd like to debunk.
Myth: "You Must Be A Saint?"
Let’s face it, if you’re divorcing then you must be saintly, holier than thou or think you’re superior to everyone else!
The truth is a conscious loving divorce is not about being saintly, it’s about recognising that 'ONE person' isn't to blame for the breakdown of a relationship.
Imagine choosing to divorce differently, with honour for the love you once shared and any children created out of that union. Conscious loving divorce is a process where each partner is choosing to responsibly navigate the end of their relationship in a powerful way, rather than from a sense of victimisation.
Myth: “You Can’t Be Heartbroken About Your Divorce?”
Another myth and assumption is 'You’re not upset, heartbroken, or angry' because “How can you be if you’re choosing to divorce with love?”
When my second marriage broke down, I was sick to my stomach, I couldn’t eat for a month. I cried in the shower, in my bed at night and in the car after dropping my kids at school. I was devastated, angry, sad, mad and jealous as hell of my husband’s new girlfriend.
I was insulted, my husband moved on with his life without a backward glance or a forwarding address. In my anger I would run through the woods screaming "Why me?" Eventually, I rose up and said:
“THIS WILL NOT DEFINE ME, I will chose who I am in this process.”
What people often fail to realise is conscious loving divorce is an act of Self-Love.
Myth: “You Must Be A Walkover!”
People often assume because you've chosen to divorce with kindness that you’re weak. In fact, it takes an enormous amount of courage to turn within, look at yourself and confront difficult emotions.Learning how to be fully present with your emotions and to transform the emotions of anger and jealousy to self-truth and self-love requires bravery and courage. The energy of courage lifts us up, it empowers us to take full responsibility for our lives and happiness, to step into the unknown and make our dreams come true.
Myth: “You’ve Let The Other Person Off The Hook For Their Bad Behaviour”
It’s normal isn’t it to want to apportion blame and to punish people for their 'bad behaviour'? After all, we're pretty much conditioned by society and parental figures to judge others. Here’s the thing, punishing someone, pouring shame on them and seeing ourselves as victims, only serves to delay our healing.
It’s impossible to heal when you see yourself as a victim of your circumstances.
Conscious loving divorce encourages you to take responsibility for any covert agreements or behaviours that contributed to the breakdown of the relationship.
This could be the little thing that built up over a period of time, such as not speaking your truth, saying yes when you wanted to say no and then feeling resentful towards your partner.
It's possible you got stuck in a pattern of belittling your partner, or withholding love, sex, praise or appreciation.
So What is a Conscious Loving Divorce Really About?
Firstly, I believe it's about honouring yourself, the relationship you once shared and any children you had in that union.
It's about recognising that love, people and relationships change, sometimes through no fault of the people involved. We are in relationships to evolve, to learn and to grow.
When you divorce with awareness, compassion, generosity of spirit you're able to let go of all the stuff that prevents healing. It sets your Soul free, and that's a wonderful feeling. You also learn tools to free yourself from difficult emotions and new skills to navigate your relationships in a healthy way
I believe from a spiritual perspective, that divorce is a catalyst for transformation.
So many people stay married for the wrong reasons, and that's unhealthy and damaging for the people (and children) involved.
If you have reached the stage in your relationship where you are disconnected from each other, where you both want and desire different things and to stay together would mean you would both compromise your Soul's happiness, then divorce is a healthy choice.
The nature of life has changed since "the happy ever after" myth was create over 400 years ago, people live for longer and we expect to much more from our love partners than "safety or financial security'. In the past women didn't have jobs or their own money, let alone be allowed to vote!!
A Conscious Loving Divorce empowers you to create healthy loving future relationships and this is imperative, especially when you look at the statistics of second or third marriages, which have a 47% to 67% success rates. The quality of your next partnerships depends upon your ability to forgive and fully heal.
If you would like to find out more about how I can help you heal your heart then click here to book a free discovery session.