Why this life lesson is so painful

Why this life lesson is so painful

Katie came to see me because her husband of 23 years had left. She was in a state of shock and disbelief. She couldn’t believe he’d abandoned her and their three children for someone he’d met at the gym.

I resonated with her pain, her anguish, and her lost dreams.

If you know my story, you’ll know I’ve been there. I also knew her husband leaving, wasn’t so much about her, as it was about him, his struggles and unfulfilled dreams.

One of the hardest lessons we have to learn is that we’re not the main character in everyone’s story – but we are the main character in ours!

When someone leaves a relationship, it’s natural to make it about us, the ego does that. The ego is the part of ourselves that is programmed for survival and safety, it often likes to maintain an illusion of separation, unworthiness and powerlessness.  

Our egos hold stories of limitation and victimisation. It’s not who we are, and yet when our stories have the power we act and behave in ways that make us think it’s our truth.

So how did I support Katie?

First of all, I taught her tools to stabilise her painful emotions and I gave her permission to feel everything. All of her was acceptable and welcome. This was liberating for her.

So often we resist and judge our emotions because we think they won’t stop. This keeps us in a push/pull dynamic and the emotions persist and often come back more intensely. Your emotions want your attention, they want you to listen and allow them to move through. Underneath all emotions, is an unmet need waiting to be heard. 

By learning practical tools to BE WITH IT ALL you create emotional mastery that helps you move through your day and new life in an empowered way.  

It’s not what happens to you in life that matters, it’s how you respond to it. 

Next, I helped Katie to find EMPOWERED MEANING…

With mindset and awareness work, I supported Katie to discover where she could take responsibility for her part in the relationship breakdown. In Katie’s case, her resentment towards her husband around him not prioritising time with her and not making her needs a priority reflected her chronic pattern of self-abandonment and people-pleasing. 

On reflection, Katie could see how her need to people-please, came from her fear of confrontation and her not wanting to be thought badly of, which led her to neglect her own needs. Katie rarely did anything for herself, it was always about her girls, her husband and her extended family. 

When Katie examined her resentments and took responsibility for her part in the relationship dynamic, she stopped projecting her anger onto her husband and began to do the real work of healing her relationship with herself.

Next week, I’ll share the second part of Katie’s story and how she went from wishing she was the main character in her husband’s world, to becoming the star character in her life.

Transformational Relationship & Divorce Coach. Founder of The Divorce Detox & Get Divorce Fit. Mum of two gorgeous souls, lover of art, writing, yoga & life