Emotional and practical support when you're relationship comes to an end
It's an absolute privilege to be a contributor on Thrive Global where I am sharing my thoughts on the 5 People You Must Have In Your Divorce Corner.
I know when I was going through my divorce, I often felt stuck about who to talk to, I didn't want to burden my family and friends. I often felt that no one understood me. If I had known what I share in this post, it would have been really helpful. You can read my full blog post here.
Enjoy!
Maxine xx
Freestocks © on Unsplash
If you’re single and the four months in lockdown made you realise you wanted to do something about it, then with all the noise online at the moment, you have to make sure your dating profile gets the right attention, let’s face it no one wants to go on a 100 first dates!
Most people find it hard to talk about themselves, let alone write a dating profile that’s an effortless combination of singing your praises, intrigue, playfulness, humility, and ultimately says ‘You’d be an absolute fool not to go on a date with me!” Often, you can write a profile that doesn’t sound like yourself and definitely doesn’t stand out and attract the partner your heart desires!
Here are three common mistakes that it’s easy to make, ESPECIALLY if you’re new to online dating!
Statements such as “I love travelling, I love my work” say absolutely nothing about you, everyone loves travelling! In your dating profile, you need to be more specific. What specifically do you love about travelling or your work?
Can you write about it in such a way that the person who’s reading your profile actually wants to go travelling with you?
TIP: You might swap ‘I love traveling” to… When I was in Peru I trekked up Machu Picchu and was mesmerized by the way the light fell on the mountains, I wished I had my paints with me so I could capture it forever.
The other swap might be… I’m so passionate about my work, I feel like a proud parent when my clients get their breakthroughs and reach their dreams.
In both these statements, the person gets a glimpse of who you are and gets to feel what you’re about… and that’s what people want, they want to FEEL… if your profile doesn’t evoke any emotion, then they’re going to pass you by.
First impressions count! Especially if you’re on an online app, and it’s a swipe left or right scenario! Does your profile photo express who you are?
I recently asked a new client to send me her online photos as she wasn’t having any luck. When I looked at the 5 photos she sent to me, in three of them (including her main pic) she had sunglasses on. You couldn’t see her eyes. It was as if she was hiding and she wasn’t open to revealing herself (and possibly her heart).
There was no energy in her pictures at all, and this woman was vibrant, full of fun, and loves life. You want your energy and vibration to come across in your dating profile, your energy is magnetic and will pull your partner towards you.
TIP: You want to have a combination of photos. Your profile needs to be a photo that shows your face clearly, that expresses your essence or a flavour of what you’re about. You want this picture to be inviting. The other pictures can be a mixture of full body (with your clothes on) and you doing things you love, sports, with your pets, walking… whatever it is that rocks your boat and says something about you. If you have professional photos that reflect who you are, then it’s okay to add them too.
Of course, you’re completely unaware you’re doing this and it can stem from an unconscious belief that you don’t think you’re going to find love. In an attempt to override this; you’re not specific about the type of relationship or person you truly want to attract. It’s what I call the FOMO approach!
TIP: You have to have a vision for your relationship and what it feels like to be in partnership with this person, the qualities they have that you are drawn to. It might sound a bit like this;
“I’d love to meet a man who’s confident and happy in his own skin, who’s ready to share life’s daring adventure, who appreciates the beauty in life and who’s generous with his heart and open for connection and laughter”
Or if your personality is a bit cheeky you might say. “I’m looking for a man with a big heart who knows when to put his phone down and kiss me….”
You want to get the attention of one person, the one who reads your profile and it lights up his/her heart and captures their interest.
Dating can be a number’s game, but it doesn’t have to be, you have to first clear any inner blocks to love, create a vision for love and pour energy and attention into magnetizing love towards you.
Make it fun, make it playful, if it’s not, work with a coach who can support you to make the inner shifts.
With love
Arhh and things were never the same again...
We've had so much change lately what with Covid-19, lockdown and numerous restrictions to our every day lives, it got me thinking about when I gave birth to my first child, my son, Daniel and how life was never the same again.
When you're pregnant you hear loads of stories about the awful things that can happen during labour, it engenders so much fear that I wonder why anyone would ever get pregnant, let alone do it more than once.
Here's three lessons I learned when I had Dan that have served me well in all areas of my life, whether it's been raising my children, starting a business, getting divorced, a new relationship, moving countries or dealing with unexpected circumstances.
Be more flexible
I might add, that's not me in the photo!!! When you're expecting, there's this thing called the BIRTH PLAN, and it lists out all the things you want, like epidural, gas and air and in my case, it was a water birth, no drugs, lots of candles, music and my partner.
In reality.... I was induced, which was excruciatingly painful!! The doctor also broke my waters for me - definitely not nice! In the end I had to have gas and air and an epidural!! I then spent two hours pushing my son out (I think he was warm and cosy and didn't want to come out) - a total of 36 hours in labour!!
So yes, it's important to have a plan, whether it's your life plan, wedding plan, holiday plan... and above all else, be flexible with it, listen to your intuition and don't be afraid to change the plan, if you change your mind or if what you previously thought you wanted is no longer going to serve your highest good.
I know it might seem obvious... AND BREATHE
Breathe and be with every moment... When we're anxious or fearful, we tend to hold our breath, and holding our breath stops the flow of energy in our body. We are made of energy and I like to think of emotion as energy that moves through us that attach meaning and thoughts to.
As we go through life emotions get stuck in our bodies. When we become present to our emotions, name them and breathe through them, the energy and emotions move through us and we shift the energy.
You have the power to shift your emotions through the way you breathe
Allow yourself to feel bliss
There is this wonderful moment when the baby pops out of your lady parts, when you get hit with a rush of oxytocin and every thing feels amazing. I mean honestly it's such a relief that the baby is out, so it is going to feel good but this is quite indescribably amazing!
Here's what it taught me, so often in life we strive to reach a goal or create an amazing result, and we forget to experience the bliss, we quickly move on to the next thing, in a rush to get somewhere else.
Giving birth taught me to enjoy my creations, to savour the moment and be present to what is happening right here, right now.
So in conclusion, life will never be the same again, whether it's after having a child, getting married, dealing with the impact of Covid or simply because each and every day you are evolving, growing and becoming more of who you truly are.
It's been 18 years and 4 months since I gave birth to my son and so much has changed in my life. I married his father, and divorced him 10 years later, I was a single mum (to two) and now I'm engaged again and crazily in love.
So many moments of flexibility, breathing with and
through life and feeling my bliss, thank you
With love
Photo Credits and Thanks: Top Image To Bottom
Kalea Jerielle, Petr Ruzicka, Max van den Oetelaar, Eric Froehling - Unsplash
There wasn't much handholding in our decorating days!
Loving others isn't always easy, we so often get caught up in conflicting emotions, from being madly in love to feeling cross that our needs haven't been met.
In the past, I was constantly saying "What about me? Why doesn't anyone care?" that was years ago, when I was stuck in victim thinking, feeling like my partner was against me and that no one noticed my struggles.
The thing is, we learn how to love and care for ourselves from our parents, and whilst my parents showered us with lots of love, my mum did everything for everyone!! She hardly ever said no or put her needs first. Of course she learned that from her mother and I learned to do the same.
In my first marriage, I would overcompensate because I felt unworthy, it was exhausting!
One time, we were decorating our home. I was working full-time, training as a psychotherapist with an additional 10 hours of client work each week. I wanted to be the best wife, friend, sister, daughter, you name it... at the time, my then hubby wasn't working.
On one particular evening, I came home, tired and he asked me to help him sand down the wooden skirting boards - I mean seriously!!! Inside I was "You've got to be kidding me!!!" BUT I didn't have the courage to say no!
I remember sitting on the floor, peeling off the layers of paint, suppressing my anger and fighting back the tears deep inside. I wanted him to notice my suffering, to say... "Sweetheart, you look tired, go have a bath!" - of course he didn't and I was resentful. That doesn't make for a happy marriage or a healthy sex life.
Thank heavens I've learned to speak up, express my needs, and ask for help.
So what did you learn about loving and taking care of yourself as you were growing up?
Do you people please? Saying yes, when you want to say no and then resent others?
Do you over-commit because you feel you're not enough?
Are you unapproachable, a little prickly? perhaps so people stay away and you don't have to face rejection?
May be you're self-blaming and overly responsible, believing everything's your fault?
In childhood, we have needs that go unmet, not because our parents are bad, but because our minds are undeveloped and we don't have the skills or capacities to express ourselves clearly. Our ego then gives meaning to EVERYTHING, and we internalise our feelings often in a disempowering way. In my program Rise Up, Be Free, Be You I show you how to break free from negative and false programming so you can discover your most radiant self, and rise up in love and be free to be YOU! New program starts 5th NOVEMBER
I'd love for you to join me. If you want to chat with me about this program, then drop me an email or schedule a free discovery call.
Love
This most definitely has been my worst August in a long time, not only did I have to cancel my summer holiday, even more devastatingly I had that 4am phone call that every parent dreads...
My son had been admitted to A&E after jumping off a wall and not realising it had a 15ft drop!!!
I rushed with my ex-husband and daughter to the hospital, whilst driving I was silently praying to God to keep him safe, and let him live.
I wasn't sure if I was being over dramatic, but with the very limited information given to us, I was afraid he was going to be in a coma, have brain damage or be paralysed in some way.
Needless to say, when we arrived at the hospital I panicked that they wouldn't let us in, but fortunately they did...
To cut a long story short, considering the situation, it was a miracle that he had no life threatening injuries and despite needing an operation and some fractures, he would mend. Of which I am glad to say a month later, he is almost fully recovered.
Shock & trauma is a funny thing though...
The 3 am phone call and the shock of seeing him so battered, bruised, and vulnerable sent my body into a trauma response. I was in survival mode for at least two weeks afterward.
I managed to maintain my meditation, and coherent breathing practices but my daily yoga and healthy eating went completely out of the window.
I drank far too much coffee and even though I know what my body needs to feel good, in the stress of everything, I opted for comfort and security and now my body feels exhausted and lacklustre.
WHICH DOESN"T SURPRISE ME... that's my default setting.
My ego always seeks security and as a double whammy when I'm faced with any type of trauma, shock, or uninvited change I tend to go into massive denial and IGNORE what my Soul knows is best for me.
Am I the only person that does this?
NO... I bet you do too. We so often ignore the prompts that our highest self gives us!!
Well, it struck me as I've been walking my dog in the mornings that I need a mind/body REBOOT!!! and what better time than Autumn!
I've always loved Autumn, the leaves forming a blanket on the ground of red, orange and yellow. Clear blue skies, and long walks. So like the leaves, I thought it was the perfect time to let go of this stagnant energy and anything else that's not serving me.
Here's My Journal Prompts
to Reboot Energy & Focus
I took time to meditate and journal on these questions:
What do you most want to create in the next four months?
Who would you become if you had that creation in your life?
What are you currently doing that's not serving you?
What do you need to let go of to be living your most radiant life?
Here's what I came up with:
* What I want to create most is energy and vitality in my body
* To finish my book so I can share my love and wisdom around how to heal and have a conscious loving divorce
* I need to let go of coffee and sugar
So I'm going to pour my love and energy into:
* Getting back into my yoga practices, I'm doing a 40-day nabhi kriya
* I'm doing a 40-day mono eating plan (your body needs less energy to digest food)
* I'm completing my book, with 3 hour writing sessions each day.
I thoroughly urge you to use the momentum of Autumn and the above questions to help you reboot your life with new autumn cheer, energy and focus.
With love
Conscious Uncoupling became a topic of conversation when Gwyneth Paltrow and Chris Martin used the term to announce they were separating after ten years of marriage back in 2014.
Over the years, there has been a lot of mis-conceptions about the process, mainly that it's for the 'rich and famous' and for those who are 'happily divorcing'.
In my coaching practice, I use the process of 'Conscious Loving Divorce'. I've had many conversations over the years and have noticed some common mis-understandings which I'd like to debunk.
Let’s face it, if you’re divorcing then you must be saintly, holier than thou or think you’re superior to everyone else!
The truth is a conscious loving divorce is not about being saintly, it’s about recognising that 'ONE person' isn't to blame for the breakdown of a relationship.
Imagine choosing to divorce differently, with honour for the love you once shared and any children created out of that union. Conscious loving divorce is a process where each partner is choosing to responsibly navigate the end of their relationship in a powerful way, rather than from a sense of victimisation.
Another myth and assumption is 'You’re not upset, heartbroken, or angry' because “How can you be if you’re choosing to divorce with love?”
When my second marriage broke down, I was sick to my stomach, I couldn’t eat for a month. I cried in the shower, in my bed at night and in the car after dropping my kids at school. I was devastated, angry, sad, mad and jealous as hell of my husband’s new girlfriend.
I was insulted, my husband moved on with his life without a backward glance or a forwarding address. In my anger I would run through the woods screaming "Why me?" Eventually, I rose up and said:
What people often fail to realise is conscious loving divorce is an act of Self-Love.
People often assume because you've chosen to divorce with kindness that you’re weak. In fact, it takes an enormous amount of courage to turn within, look at yourself and confront difficult emotions.
Learning how to be fully present with your emotions and to transform the emotions of anger and jealousy to self-truth and self-love requires bravery and courage. The energy of courage lifts us up, it empowers us to take full responsibility for our lives and happiness, to step into the unknown and make our dreams come true.
It’s normal isn’t it to want to apportion blame and to punish people for their 'bad behaviour'? After all, we're pretty much conditioned by society and parental figures to judge others. Here’s the thing, punishing someone, pouring shame on them and seeing ourselves as victims, only serves to delay our healing.
Conscious loving divorce encourages you to take responsibility for any covert agreements or behaviours that contributed to the breakdown of the relationship.
This could be the little thing that built up over a period of time, such as not speaking your truth, saying yes when you wanted to say no and then feeling resentful towards your partner.
It's possible you got stuck in a pattern of belittling your partner, or withholding love, sex, praise or appreciation.
So What is a Conscious Loving Divorce Really About?
Firstly, I believe it's about honouring yourself, the relationship you once shared and any children you had in that union.
It's about recognising that love, people and relationships change, sometimes through no fault of the people involved. We are in relationships to evolve, to learn and to grow.
When you divorce with awareness, compassion, generosity of spirit you're able to let go of all the stuff that prevents healing. It sets your Soul free, and that's a wonderful feeling. You also learn tools to free yourself from difficult emotions and new skills to navigate your relationships in a healthy way
So many people stay married for the wrong reasons, and that's unhealthy and damaging for the people (and children) involved.
If you have reached the stage in your relationship where you are disconnected from each other, where you both want and desire different things and to stay together would mean you would both compromise your Soul's happiness, then divorce is a healthy choice.
The nature of life has changed since "the happy ever after" myth was create over 400 years ago, people live for longer and we expect to much more from our love partners than "safety or financial security'. In the past women didn't have jobs or their own money, let alone be allowed to vote!!
A Conscious Loving Divorce empowers you to create healthy loving future relationships and this is imperative, especially when you look at the statistics of second or third marriages, which have a 47% to 67% success rates. The quality of your next partnerships depends upon your ability to forgive and fully heal.
If you would like to find out more about how I can help you heal your heart then click here to book a free discovery session.
Spring has finally arrived and it may be an ideal time to give your relationship a bit of an overhaul and spring clean...
We all get lazy in relationships and if you've been together a long time it's likely you have some bad habits that are creating a disconnection in the way you relate and which will directly impact the love you feel for your partner.
So today I'm going to share the 4R's that kill a relationship, I remember reading about this a long time ago in a book by Dr Barbara De'Angelis.
THE FIRST "R" IS FOR RESISTANCE:
Resistance can start early on in a relationship, due to a lack of confidence in yourself and a deep desire to be accepted. It's when you don't speak up, hide your feelings or you take what someone says's personally and start to withdraw.
Other times it can become a habit when you've been together for a long time, you might have noticed or interpreted your partner as being critical, judgemental, unkind or not interested in what you're saying and so you start to restrict your behaviour or the way you share your thoughts and feelings. The trouble with resistance is it creates distance as you start to move further away from intimacy and this in turn leads to the second R.
THE SECOND "R"IS FOR RESENTMENT
Resentment eats away at your relationship, it's like a cancer that starts to erode the love you feel for your partner and the primary reason is this; Resentment is built up anger and a sense of unfairness. The more resentful a person becomes, the more they start to focus on what's "wrong" with the other person or relationship.
Our perception of the other person becomes distorted, as we disown our own part in the relationship break down or lack of communication and in turn we become overly critical, judgemental, obtuse and difficult. We start to create even more distance as we rationalise our behaviour to ourselves and very often in collusion with our friends or family.
THE THIRD "R" = REJECTION
This naturally is the most damaging stage, as you slowly start to reject your partner. A typical way this shows up in relationships is through sex or complete lack of it. It's difficult to feel attracted to our partner when we have built up resentments.
If your partner has constantly belittled, criticised, dismisses your efforts, doesn't listen to you or your point of view etc then over time this will drive a wedge between you will either be acting out passively by having physical or emotional affairs, rejecting their efforts of sex with you. It's very likely that you're always arguing or disagreeing with each other. You may be fantasing about leaving them or what life would be without them and/or is often the case you are pretty much doing your own thing and living separate lives.
THE 4TH "R": REPRESSION
If you have ever seen Gone With The Wind with Scarlett O'Hara and Rhett Butler, then this line sums it up completely. When you hit repression, you "simply don't give a damn" anymore, you are so emotionally disconnected with your partner, that you're no longer interested in doing anything to revive the relationship.
Depending on your partner, this will either play out in such a way that you're both living completely separate lives and in many instances, especially if you have children you will convince yourself "that the situation is okay for the sake of the children". You will be numb emotionally and sexually (unless of course you're having a relationship outside the marriage) and this will affect other areas of your life.
It's likely that you have stopped arguing and pretty much ignore each other, communicating via email or text or only when really necessary. You might be depressed, over-eating or using alcohol or drugs to numb yourself emotionally.
1. RECOGNISE THAT CHANGE STARTS WITH TAKING RESPONSIBILITY
The only way you're going to change your current situation, is by deciding to take 100% responsibility for your own happiness and how you show up in your relationship. Whichever stage you're at, you have to decide that you want to change it and that you want to take responsibility for your part in the breakdown and disconnection.
It's only when you do this, can you really begin to reclaim your emotional power and begin to use any negative feelings you have in a powerful way to instigate change. Most people don't do anything because they are fearful of the future.
2. IT'S TIME TO GET REAL
I've always said that the biggest destroyer of relationships, is our inability to be honest with our partners... and with ourselves. Emotional intimacy starts with honesty and an ability to share our truth without fear of being judged or punished.
If you want to spring clean your relationship, start by looking at your judgements. Guaranteed, you will be making judgements about your partner and yourself (we all do it). Decide to be COMPASSIONATELY kind to yourself, and write out what you're making wrong about the other person, then ask yourself, "What is this reflecting back to me? what am I here to learn from this? What is this relationship showing me about how I give my power away?"
All these questions are based on the premise that ALL RELATIONSHIPS ARE AN OPPORTUNITY FOR GROWTH... which is a spiritual law.
3. PRACTICE FORGIVENESS
What do you need to forgive in yourself and your partner. Forgiveness includes the act of letting go, seeing the good in other person and releasing resentments. This isn't always easy and I recommend using a forgiveness meditation, (click link to download). It can be something we have to do daily, weekly etc depending on where we are with the 4 R's and also on what our judgements and resentments are about and how long they have been going on.
It's a good idea to get help with a coach or professional if you are unable to do this on your own.
4. ASK YOUR HEART, WHAT IS THE TRUTH ABOUT THIS SITUATION
Connect with your heart, and ask for guidance, ask what truth is being revealed to you about yourself and your relationship. You are far more powerful than you think. Often we unconsciously believe we're powerless, incapable, not enough and we actually ignore the whisper of our intuition or inner wisdom. Decide to stop doing that.
Take a moment to tune in to your truth and discover the real lesson here. You will be guided.
5. COMMUNICATE WITH YOUR PARTNER
If you have done the first 4 steps, and feel that you have reached some understanding or a shift in perspective about your relationship, then set aside some time to talk with your partner. BE BRAVE, if necessary write down what you want to say or talk about, and set the intention to have a loving conversation. Obviously depending on where you are in the 4 R's will depend on how difficult this conversation will be and if you need the assistance of a coach or professional.
Decide that you deserve to have love in your life and that the old way of relating isn't working for you.
OMG!!! Divorce is not only painful but stressful too!
Today I am sharing one of the easiest tips I know for transforming divorce stress. The first thing you have to realise is that YOU ARE WAY MORE POWERFUL THAN YOU THINK, especially right now, if you're going through the mill over your breakup or divorce.
HOLD on to that thought, remember it, write it on post it notes and stick them all over your house. Because divorce will test you...
So the reason I want you to remember YOU ARE WAY MORE POWERFUL THAN YOU THINK... is so that you realise you are in control of your emotions, you are the mistress (opps maybe not the best phrase, ) you're the master of your emotional freedom and wellbeing...
So, when it feels like life or your previous partner has the better of you, CHOOSE TO DO THIS...
HEART FOCUSED BREATHING™
This is a technique which I learnt whilst training as a HeartMath Coach, and it is one of the simplest but most powerful tools I know which can transform anxiety, panic, fear, stress in the moment, WITH YOUR EYES OPEN... which I think is really helpful.
So the first part is to make the decision in the moment to change the way you're feeling.
1. Focus your attention on your heart area... (yes the left hand side of your body where your heart resides). I would even put your hand on your heart, as it will bring your attention and awareness there.
2. Start to breathe a little more slowly and deeply, breathe in for the count of 4 and out for the count of 4.
3. Do this 3 times and then think of a positive emotion that you would like to feel, such as calm, happy, love, appreciation is usually the easiest... focus on that, if it's helpful use an image, or a memory of being in nature.
4. Notice how your heart rhythm has slowed down, and how you feel more centred and grounded.
This exercise has a direct impact on your Autonomic Nervous System (ANS) and will stop the secretion of the stress hormones, cortisol and adrenalin and realise the hormone DHEA, which is the vitality hormone. The more frequently you practice this exercise, the more resilience you will build up in your body and mind. It will have a direct impact on your emotional wellbeing.
If you have any questions that you need answered, then please comment below.
Love
Maxine x
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60 seconds on one of the big problems in marriage (or long term relationships).