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Changing the way we divorce, one heart at a time

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How To Boost My Year With Autumn Cheer

This most definitely has been my worst August in a long time, not only did I have to cancel my summer holiday, even more devastatingly I had that 4am phone call that every parent dreads...

My son had been admitted to A&E after jumping off a wall and not realising it had a 15ft drop!!! 

I rushed with my ex-husband and daughter to the hospital, whilst driving I was silently praying to God to keep him safe, and let him live.

I wasn't sure if I was being over dramatic, but with the very limited information given to us, I was afraid he was going to be in a coma, have brain damage or be paralysed in some way.

Needless to say, when we arrived at the hospital I panicked that they wouldn't let us in, but fortunately they did...

To cut a long story short, considering the situation, it was a miracle that he had no life threatening injuries and despite needing an operation and some fractures, he would mend. Of which I am glad to say a month later, he is almost fully recovered.

Shock & trauma is a funny thing though...

The 3 am phone call and the shock of seeing him so battered, bruised, and vulnerable sent my body into a trauma response. I was in survival mode for at least two weeks afterward.

I managed to maintain my meditation, and coherent breathing practices but my daily yoga and healthy eating went completely out of the window.

I drank far too much coffee and even though I know what my body needs to feel good, in the stress of everything, I opted for comfort and security and now my body feels exhausted and lacklustre.

WHICH DOESN"T SURPRISE ME... that's my default setting.

My ego always seeks security and as a double whammy when I'm faced with any type of trauma, shock, or uninvited change I tend to go into massive denial and IGNORE what my Soul knows is best for me.

Am I the only person that does this?

NO... I bet you do too. We so often ignore the prompts that our highest self gives us!!

Well, it struck me as I've been walking my dog in the mornings that I need a mind/body REBOOT!!! and what better time than Autumn!

I've always loved Autumn, the leaves forming a blanket on the ground of red, orange and yellow. Clear blue skies, and long walks. So like the leaves, I thought it was the perfect time to let go of this stagnant energy and anything else that's not serving me.

Here's My Journal Prompts to Reboot Energy & Focus
I took time to meditate and journal on these questions:
What do you most want to create in the next four months?
Who would you become if you had that creation in your life?
What are you currently doing that's not serving you?
What do you need to let go of to be living your most radiant life?

Here's what I came up with:
* What I want to create most is energy and vitality in my body
* To finish my book so I can share my love and wisdom around how to heal and have a conscious loving divorce
* I need to let go of coffee and sugar

So I'm going to pour my love and energy into:

* Getting back into my yoga practices, I'm doing a 40-day nabhi kriya
* I'm doing a 40-day mono eating plan (your body needs less energy to digest food)
* I'm completing my book, with 3 hour writing sessions each day.
I thoroughly urge you to use the momentum of Autumn and the above questions to help you reboot your life with new autumn cheer, energy and focus.
With love

Debunking The Myths About Conscious Loving Divorce

Conscious Uncoupling became a topic of conversation when Gwyneth Paltrow and Chris Martin used the term to announce they were separating after ten years of marriage back in 2014. 

Over the years, there has been a lot of mis-conceptions about the process, mainly that it's for the 'rich and famous' and for those who are 'happily divorcing'.

In my coaching practice, I use the process of 'Conscious Loving Divorce'. I've had many conversations over the years and have noticed some common mis-understandings which I'd like to debunk.

Myth: "You Must Be A Saint?"

Let’s face it, if you’re divorcing  then you must be saintly, holier than thou or think you’re superior to everyone else!

The truth is a conscious loving divorce is not about being saintly, it’s about recognising that 'ONE person' isn't to blame for the breakdown of a relationship.

Imagine choosing to divorce differently, with honour for the love you once shared and any children created out of that union. Conscious loving divorce is a process where each partner is choosing to responsibly navigate the end of their relationship in a powerful way, rather than from a sense of victimisation.

Myth: “You Can’t Be Heartbroken About Your Divorce?”

Another myth and assumption is 'You’re not upset, heartbroken, or angry' because “How can you be if you’re choosing to divorce with love?”

When my second marriage broke down, I was sick to my stomach, I couldn’t eat for a month. I cried in the shower, in my bed at night and in the car after dropping my kids at school. I was devastated, angry, sad, mad and jealous as hell of my husband’s new girlfriend.

I was insulted, my husband moved on with his life without a backward glance or a forwarding address. In my anger I would run through the woods screaming "Why me?" Eventually, I rose up and said:

“THIS WILL NOT DEFINE ME, I will chose who I am in this process.”

What people often fail to realise is conscious loving divorce is an act of Self-Love.

Myth: “You Must Be A Walkover!”

People often assume because you've chosen to divorce with kindness that you’re weak. In fact, it takes an enormous amount of courage to turn within, look at yourself and confront difficult emotions.

Learning how to be fully present with your emotions and to transform the emotions of anger and jealousy to self-truth and self-love requires bravery and courage. The energy of courage lifts us up, it empowers us to take full responsibility for our lives and happiness, to step into the unknown and make our dreams come true.


Myth: “You’ve Let The Other Person Off The Hook For Their Bad Behaviour”

It’s normal isn’t it to want to apportion blame and to punish people for their 'bad behaviour'? After all, we're pretty much conditioned by society and parental figures to judge others. Here’s the thing, punishing someone, pouring shame on them and seeing ourselves as victims, only serves to delay our healing. 

It’s impossible to heal when you see yourself as a victim of your circumstances.

Conscious loving divorce encourages you to take responsibility for any covert agreements or behaviours that contributed to the breakdown of the relationship.

This could be the little thing that built up over a period of time, such as not speaking your truth, saying yes when you wanted to say no and then feeling resentful towards your partner.

It's possible you got stuck in a pattern of belittling your partner, or withholding love, sex, praise or appreciation. 

So What is a Conscious Loving Divorce Really About?

Firstly, I believe it's about honouring yourself, the relationship you once shared and any children you had in that union.

It's about recognising that love, people and relationships change, sometimes through no fault of the people involved. We are in relationships to evolve, to learn and to grow.

When you divorce with awareness, compassion, generosity of spirit you're able to let go of all the stuff that prevents healing. It sets your Soul free, and that's a wonderful feeling. You also learn tools to free yourself from difficult emotions and new skills to navigate your relationships in a healthy way

I believe from a spiritual perspective, that divorce is a catalyst for transformation.

So many people stay married for the wrong reasons, and that's unhealthy and damaging for the people (and children) involved.

If you have reached the stage in your relationship where you are disconnected from each other, where you both want and desire different things and to stay together would mean you would both compromise your Soul's happiness, then divorce is a healthy choice. 

The nature of life has changed since "the happy ever after" myth was create over 400 years ago, people live for longer and we expect to much more from our love partners than "safety or financial security'. In the past women didn't have jobs or their own money, let alone be allowed to vote!! 

A Conscious Loving Divorce empowers you to create healthy loving future relationships and this is imperative, especially when you look at the statistics of second or third marriages, which have a 47% to 67% success rates. The quality of your next partnerships depends upon your ability to forgive and fully heal.

If you would like to find out more about how I can help you heal your heart then click here to book a free discovery session.

Is it Time To Spring Clean Your Relationship

​Is It Time To Spring Clean Your Relationship?

Spring has finally arrived and it may be an ideal time to give your relationship a bit of an overhaul and spring clean...

We all get lazy in relationships and if you've been together a long time it's likely you have some bad habits that are creating a disconnection in the way you relate and which will directly impact the love you feel for your partner.

So today I'm going to share the 4R's that kill a relationship, I remember reading about this a long time ago in a book by Dr Barbara De'Angelis.

THE FIRST "R" IS FOR RESISTANCE:

Resistance can start early on in a relationship, due to a lack of confidence in yourself and a deep desire to be accepted. It's when you don't speak up, hide your feelings or you take what someone says's personally and start to withdraw. 

Other times it can become a habit when you've been together for a long time, you might have noticed or interpreted your partner as being critical, judgemental, unkind or not interested in what you're saying and so you start to restrict your behaviour or the way you share your thoughts and feelings.  The trouble with resistance is it creates distance as you start to move further away from intimacy and this in turn leads to the second R.

THE SECOND "R"IS FOR RESENTMENT

Resentment eats away at your relationship, it's like a cancer that starts to erode the love you feel for your partner and the primary reason is this; Resentment is built up anger and a sense of unfairness.  The more resentful a person becomes, the more they start to focus on what's "wrong" with the other person or relationship. 

Our perception of the other person becomes distorted, as we disown our own part in the relationship break down or lack of communication and in turn we become overly critical, judgemental, obtuse and difficult.  We start to create even more distance as we rationalise our behaviour to ourselves and very often in collusion with our friends or family. 

YOUR RELATIONSHIP NOW LACKS INTIMACY, CONNECTION & HONESTY AND UNLESS YOU DO SOMETHING NOW, STAGE 3 IS INEVITABLE

THE THIRD "R" = REJECTION

This naturally is the most damaging stage, as you slowly start to reject your partner.  A typical way this shows up in relationships is through sex or complete lack of it.  It's difficult to feel attracted to our partner when we have built up resentments.  

If  your partner has constantly belittled, criticised, dismisses your efforts, doesn't listen to you or your point of view etc then over time this  will drive a wedge between you will either be acting out passively by having physical or emotional affairs, rejecting their efforts of sex with you. It's very likely that you're always arguing or disagreeing with each other. You may be fantasing about leaving them or what life would be without them and/or is often the case you are pretty much doing your own thing and living separate lives.

YOU'RE NOW IN THE DANGER ZONE

THE 4TH "R": REPRESSION

If you have ever seen Gone With The Wind with Scarlett O'Hara and Rhett Butler, then this line sums it up completely. When you hit repression, you "simply don't give a damn" anymore, you are so emotionally disconnected with your partner, that you're no longer interested in doing anything to revive the relationship.

Depending on your partner, this will either play out in such a way that you're both living completely separate lives and in many instances, especially if you have children you will convince yourself "that the situation is okay for the sake of the children".  You will be numb emotionally and sexually (unless of course you're having a relationship outside the marriage) and this will affect other areas of your life.

It's likely that you have stopped arguing and pretty much ignore each other, communicating via email or text or only when really necessary. You might be depressed, over-eating or using alcohol or drugs to numb yourself emotionally.

WHAT CAN YOU DO ABOUT IT?

1.  RECOGNISE THAT CHANGE STARTS WITH TAKING RESPONSIBILITY

The only way you're going to change your current situation, is by deciding to take 100% responsibility for your own happiness and how you show up in your relationship. Whichever stage you're at, you have to decide that you want to change it and that you want to take responsibility for your part in the breakdown and disconnection.

It's only when you do this, can you really begin to reclaim your emotional power and begin to use any negative feelings you have in a powerful way to instigate change.  Most people don't do anything because they are fearful of the future.

2.  IT'S TIME TO GET REAL

I've always said that the biggest destroyer of relationships, is our inability to be honest with our partners... and with ourselves.  Emotional intimacy starts with honesty and an ability to share our truth without fear of being judged or punished.

If you want to spring clean your relationship, start by looking at your judgements.  Guaranteed, you will be making judgements about your partner and yourself (we all do it). Decide to be COMPASSIONATELY kind to yourself, and write out what you're making wrong about the other person, then ask yourself, "What is this reflecting back to me? what am I here to learn from this? What is this relationship showing me about how I give my power away?"
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All these questions are based on the premise that ALL RELATIONSHIPS ARE AN OPPORTUNITY FOR GROWTH... which is a spiritual law.

3. PRACTICE FORGIVENESS

What do you need to forgive in yourself and your partner.  Forgiveness includes the act of letting go, seeing the good in other person and releasing resentments.  This isn't always easy and I recommend using a forgiveness meditation, (click link to download).  It can be something we have to do daily, weekly etc depending on where we are with the 4 R's and also on what our judgements and resentments are about and how long they have been going on. 

It's a good idea to get help with a coach or professional if you are unable to do this on your own.

4.  ASK YOUR HEART, WHAT IS THE TRUTH ABOUT THIS SITUATION

Connect with your heart, and ask for guidance, ask what truth is being revealed to you about yourself and your relationship.  You are far more powerful than you think. Often we unconsciously believe we're powerless, incapable, not enough and we actually ignore the whisper of our intuition or inner wisdom. Decide to stop doing that. 

Take a moment to tune in to your truth and discover the real lesson here.  You will be guided.

5.  COMMUNICATE WITH YOUR PARTNER

If you have done the first 4 steps, and feel that you have reached some understanding or a shift in perspective about your relationship, then set aside some time to talk with your partner.  BE BRAVE, if necessary write down what you want to say or talk about, and set the intention to have a loving conversation. Obviously depending on where you are in the 4 R's will depend on how difficult this conversation will be and if you need the assistance of a coach or professional.

Decide that you deserve to have love in your life and that the old way of relating isn't working for you. 

Transforming Divorce Stress

OMG!!! Divorce is not only painful but stressful too!

Today I am sharing one of the easiest tips I know for transforming divorce stress. The first thing you have to realise is that YOU ARE WAY MORE POWERFUL THAN YOU THINK, especially right now, if you're going through the mill over your breakup or divorce. 

HOLD on to that thought, remember it, write it on post it notes and stick them all over your house.  Because divorce will test you...

So the reason I want you to remember YOU ARE WAY MORE POWERFUL THAN YOU THINK... is so that you realise you are in control of your emotions, you are the mistress (opps maybe not the best phrase, ) you're the master of your emotional freedom and wellbeing...

So, when it feels like life or your previous partner has the better of you, CHOOSE TO DO THIS...

HEART FOCUSED BREATHING™

This is a technique which I learnt whilst training as a HeartMath Coach, and it is one of the simplest but most powerful tools I know which can transform anxiety, panic, fear, stress in the moment, WITH YOUR EYES OPEN... which I think is really helpful.
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So the first part is to make the decision in the moment to change the way you're feeling.

1. Focus your attention on your heart area... (yes the left hand side of your body where your heart resides). I would even put your hand on your heart, as it will bring your attention and awareness there.
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2. Start to breathe a little more slowly and deeply, breathe in for the count of 4 and out for the count of 4.
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3. Do this 3 times and then think of a positive emotion that you would like to feel, such as calm, happy, love, appreciation is usually the easiest... focus on that, if it's helpful use an image, or a memory of being in nature.

4. Notice how your heart rhythm has slowed down, and how you feel more centred and grounded.  

This exercise has a direct impact on your Autonomic Nervous System (ANS) and will stop the secretion of the stress hormones, cortisol and adrenalin and realise the hormone DHEA, which is the vitality hormone.  The more frequently you practice this exercise, the more resilience you will build up in your body and mind.  It will have a direct impact on your emotional wellbeing.

If you have any questions that you need answered, then please comment below.

Love

Maxine x

How To Use Divorce To Deepen Into A Greater Love (within yourself)


Is it possible to use your heartache to access a deeper love within you?


I was super excited to be invited to join radio show host Louise Armstrong of Coach on Fire Radio Network to talk about how we can use divorce or break-ups as an opportunity to access a deeper love within ourselves.

In this conversation we're talking about how to use the body and breath to access your feelings and to create transformation after a break up.

Emotions are experienced in the body and when we are disconnected from our sense of self, unaware and ignoring our emotions then it is easy for us to become stuck in patterns.

In divorce emotions are intense, so we tend to block them, true empowerment comes from being able to be present, acknowledge and transform the emotion.  

Listen to "How to use divorce or break-up to deepen into a greater love!" on Spreaker.

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Please don't suffer in silence... Reach out.. If you're challenged by your current relationship situation, whether you are going through a divorce or separation or if you are in that stage of relationship where you don't know if you Should Stay Or Go, then I would love to help you.  


Contact  me,  Maxine now for a FREE discovery call,
to see if we are a good fit and the best way we can work together.

We Are Love – Feel Good Friday Interview Hosted by Carolyn LuckyGirl

One of the things I love about the work I do is being able to impact the lives of others and sharing my message, which is "We are LOVE..."


What a beautiful soul Carolyn LuckyGirl is... intuitive, spiritual, wise and so much fun. 

I was very fortunate to be invited to join Carolyn on Kennet Radio (106.7 fm) last week for "Feel Good Friday" where we got to chat about my favourite subjects love, relationships and how to have a healthy conscious divorce.


Listen Here...

If you're Newbury based and have some physical and emotional blocks you need clearing, then please contact Carolyn via her website,  link above.

So Your Ex Cheated On You?

This is the first in a "What to Do Series" in readiness for my
Get DIVORCE Fit program, which is launching in October.  

Divorce or break ups are bad enough without the cruel twist of the betrayal dagger in an already traumatised heart.

To break up is one thing, to be told “I’m leaving you because I’m in love with someone else” or to discover your partner cheated after you’ve separated seems to take the suffering to a whole new level.

I’ve been that woman who was betrayed, I found out about my ex-husband’s affair and confronted him one night whilst the kids were in bed asleep, to be told “It’s not what you think, it’s something else”… my ex husband had the gall to tell me he had been “doing drugs”! As an ex-drug addict that could have been believable, but I knew it was a lie. As we were arguing a text came through on his phone . It read …”Babe, the bed’s too big without you…”

I later discovered my husband had cheated on me with a number of people in our marriage and after we split up, he introduced one of the women into my new circle of friends and she kept showing up in my life. I couldn’t help but feel betrayed all over again. It was horrendous, talk about having salt rubbed into your wound.

As a relationship coach, I knew I had to peel back the layers and look within. It was my belief that if something was showing up in my life then on some level I had created it.  I don’t mean I wanted my husband to cheat or betray me,  I'm saying, if betrayal was showing up in my life then I knew it was a reflection of a vibrational match within me.

One night I woke at about 3 in the morning, with the realisation that I had been betraying myself all my life and this was happening to wake me up.  A movie of my life started to play in my mind of all the times I had been betrayed or I had betrayed others or myself.

Every time I said "yes" when I meant "no", every time I dropped what I needed in favour of someone else’s needs, especially his needs, every time I put up with bad behaviour, every time I didn't follow through on my own words


Life will show us where we are vibrationally.  We draw to us experiences that reflect our inner world, so we can do the work of healing our wounds and our disconnection to the truth of who we are.

SO WHAT DO YOU DO WHEN YOU DISCOVER YOUR EX HAS CHEATED ON YOU?

So the best piece of advice I can offer anyone who was in a relationship with a cheater, is to reflect the mirror back at yourself, and ask:

"Where do you betray yourself?”
“What do you lie to yourself about?”
“What are you cheating yourself of?"
“Who have you betrayed?”
“What do you need to take ownership of”

Do this with COMPASSIONATE KINDNESS TO YOURSELF. Don't beat yourself up over it, use it as an opportunity to reflect and discover what you need to learn about yourself, so you can clear it within you and not repeat the patterns of the past.

We are not victims of our circumstances, we are powerful creative souls and we’re here to rise up in our personal power of love.
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With love

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If you have any questions about this post, please comment below and I will happily answer them.

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Should I Stay In Contact With My Ex?

I get asked this a lot when I’m coaching clients, so I thought I’d do a quick blog post on this today…

If you and your partner have decided to call it a day and you’ve agreed to go your separate ways (for whatever reason) then it’s important to focus on yourself and give yourself the best opportunity to heal. So if you’re in the first 4 to 8 weeks of your break up its best to have the least amount of contact as possible.

If you’re feeling vulnerable and emotionally raw (which is natural) then communicating with your ex will likely trigger feelings of uncertainty and in turn you’ll start to feel needy, desperate, jealous and even enraged. It’s confusing you’ve gone from being best friends and lovers to someone saying they don’t want to build a life with you. It’s tough and painful.

Minimising contact is the best way to set yourself up to take care of yourself so you can heal and start the process of rebuilding your life.

Obviously not every situation is the same, if you have children or run a business together, you will need some level of communication, if you don’t then things will be different.

If you have no reason to stay friends (other than you think you should)

Okay our brain will tell us we have lots of reasons to stay friends, it’s the trick it plays to keep ourselves safe as we don’t like uncertainty or discomfort… so we say “we’ve got shared friends or a dog, or we like the same pub etc” – right now, the best thing for you is to break all contact… Especially on social media, SMS or email.

You need healthy boundaries; one’s where you’re not stalking your Ex on social media or in your car (I know, we’ve all done it). If you’re friends on social media it will keep throwing up things your Ex is doing and guaranteed they’re going to be things  they didn’t do with you that you might even have begged them to try… it will set you back and will stop you from creating happy healthy love within yourself and with someone else.

Healthy boundaries start by knowing your “NO”s and the most important no when a relationship ends is no communication… You have to focus on you, there’s a reason why you’ve broken up and even if it’s your choice to break up the “don’t want them, but don’t want anyone else to have them” mindset can also kick in.

Suddenly someone seems attractive and interesting again usually because we’re scared we’ll be alone forever and no one will love us again.  So we go back to what wasn’t working a few weeks ago. The going back and forth creates even more confusion when you need a clear mind in order to heal your heart.

So drop all contact until you're settled into your new life, and ONLY then, decide from a clear head and heart if it’s good to be friends… of course if you do bump into them be pleasant, but keep boundaries that support you.

If you have children or run a business together.

You have to accept that you will need to communicate, of course you might extricate yourself out of a business, but with children that’s obviously not an option… so here are some simple guidelines to help you get going… . Firstly, the above comments apply, especially the social media and stalking… close all connection on that front.

    1. Set a clear intention to behave respectfully and civily with your Ex… I’m not saying this will always be easy, but the intention is a stand you make for yourself so you show up in a way that honours you and your children.

    2. Do not bad mouth your Ex or discuss any of the divorce arrangements in front of your children, tempting though it may be. It’s important to allow your children to have a healthy relationship with both parents, even if you are aggrieved. Think about what’s triggering you to want to share information about your Ex with your children and work on this in private with a friend or even better a coach. 

    3. Make sure your divorce and custody arrangements for your children are clear and concise, so there’s no confusion around expectations and responsibilities. This helps to minimise misunderstandings and mis-communications.

    4. If you have any angry ex, who is prone to emotional outbursts then it’s important to know how to respond in advance. It’s very likely that you didn’t learn to deal with this in the relationship and it may even be part of the reason you’re separated now.​

    The most important thing here, is that you have to take care of your emotional wellbeing, and it is not acceptable for someone to communicate in this way with you. You have a right to ask someone to stop communicating in this way, and this requires you to be in your own authority and to speak up. The first thing I remind my clients is;

    "It's not personal" - even when it feels like it is...

    Someone’s behaviour tells you more about them then you. It’s usually because they are communicating from their wounded child, and they’ve learned to respond in this way in childhood… It doesn’t make it right, it’s just helpful to know this and to say this in your head when they behave in this way.

    One of the best techniques for stabilising yourself and dealing with the emotional stress is the Heart Focused Breathing™ I teach in my HeartMath™ coaching, this is easy to learn and if you would like to know more click here.​

    5. Don't use your children to send messages or relay information. It’s unfair on the children and they get confused. Children often favour the underdog in any situation (as do most people) and it’s very likely that your children will end up feeling more compassion for your Ex than understanding why you’re behaving like you are.



If you have any questions about this post, please comment below and I will happily answer them.

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