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Changing the way we divorce, one heart at a time

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Conscious Uncoupling

Giving birth is the easy part, it’s what happens next!

Arhh and things were never the same again...

We've had so much change lately what with Covid-19, lockdown and numerous restrictions to our every day lives, it got me thinking about when I gave birth to my first child, my son, Daniel and how life was never the same again.

When you're pregnant you hear loads of stories about the awful things that can happen during labour, it engenders so much fear that I wonder why anyone would ever get pregnant, let alone do it more than once.

Here's three lessons I learned when I had Dan that have served me well in all areas of my life, whether it's been raising my children, starting a business, getting divorced, a new relationship, moving countries or dealing with unexpected circumstances.

Be more flexible

I might add, that's not me in the photo!!! When you're expecting, there's this thing called the BIRTH PLAN, and it lists out all the things you want, like epidural, gas and air and in my case, it was a water birth, no drugs, lots of candles, music and my partner.

In reality.... I was induced, which was excruciatingly painful!! The doctor also broke my waters for me - definitely not nice! In the end I had to have gas and air and an epidural!!  I then spent two hours pushing my son out (I think he was warm and cosy and didn't want to come out) - a total of 36 hours in labour!!

So yes, it's important to have a plan, whether it's your life plan, wedding plan, holiday plan... and above all else, be flexible with it, listen to your intuition and don't be afraid to change the plan, if you change your mind or if what you previously thought you wanted is no longer going to serve your highest good.

I know it might seem obvious... AND BREATHE

Breathe and be with every moment... When we're anxious or fearful, we tend to hold our breath, and holding our breath stops the flow of energy in our body. We are made of energy and I like to think of emotion as energy that moves through us that attach meaning and thoughts to.

As we go through life emotions get stuck in our bodies. When we become present to our emotions, name them and breathe through them, the energy and emotions move through us and we shift the energy.

You have the power to shift your emotions through the way you breathe 

Allow yourself to feel bliss

There is this wonderful moment when the baby pops out of your lady parts, when you get hit with a rush of oxytocin and every thing feels amazing. I mean honestly it's such a relief that the baby is out, so it is going to feel good but this is quite indescribably amazing! 

Here's what it taught me, so often in life we strive to reach a goal or create an amazing result, and we forget to experience the bliss, we quickly move on to the next thing, in a rush to get somewhere else.

Giving birth taught me to enjoy my creations, to savour the moment and be present to what is happening right here, right now.

So in conclusion, life will never be the same again, whether it's after having a child, getting married, dealing with the impact of Covid or simply because each and every day you are evolving, growing and becoming more of who you truly are.

It's been 18 years and 4 months since I gave birth to my son and so much has changed in my life. I married his father, and divorced him 10 years later, I was a single mum (to two) and now I'm engaged again and crazily in love.

So many moments of flexibility, breathing with and 
through life and feeling my bliss, thank you

With love

Photo Credits and Thanks: Top Image To Bottom
Kalea Jerielle, Petr Ruzicka, Max van den Oetelaar, Eric Froehling - Unsplash

Debunking The Myths About Conscious Loving Divorce

Conscious Uncoupling became a topic of conversation when Gwyneth Paltrow and Chris Martin used the term to announce they were separating after ten years of marriage back in 2014. 

Over the years, there has been a lot of mis-conceptions about the process, mainly that it's for the 'rich and famous' and for those who are 'happily divorcing'.

In my coaching practice, I use the process of 'Conscious Loving Divorce'. I've had many conversations over the years and have noticed some common mis-understandings which I'd like to debunk.

Myth: "You Must Be A Saint?"

Let’s face it, if you’re divorcing  then you must be saintly, holier than thou or think you’re superior to everyone else!

The truth is a conscious loving divorce is not about being saintly, it’s about recognising that 'ONE person' isn't to blame for the breakdown of a relationship.

Imagine choosing to divorce differently, with honour for the love you once shared and any children created out of that union. Conscious loving divorce is a process where each partner is choosing to responsibly navigate the end of their relationship in a powerful way, rather than from a sense of victimisation.

Myth: “You Can’t Be Heartbroken About Your Divorce?”

Another myth and assumption is 'You’re not upset, heartbroken, or angry' because “How can you be if you’re choosing to divorce with love?”

When my second marriage broke down, I was sick to my stomach, I couldn’t eat for a month. I cried in the shower, in my bed at night and in the car after dropping my kids at school. I was devastated, angry, sad, mad and jealous as hell of my husband’s new girlfriend.

I was insulted, my husband moved on with his life without a backward glance or a forwarding address. In my anger I would run through the woods screaming "Why me?" Eventually, I rose up and said:

“THIS WILL NOT DEFINE ME, I will chose who I am in this process.”

What people often fail to realise is conscious loving divorce is an act of Self-Love.

Myth: “You Must Be A Walkover!”

People often assume because you've chosen to divorce with kindness that you’re weak. In fact, it takes an enormous amount of courage to turn within, look at yourself and confront difficult emotions.

Learning how to be fully present with your emotions and to transform the emotions of anger and jealousy to self-truth and self-love requires bravery and courage. The energy of courage lifts us up, it empowers us to take full responsibility for our lives and happiness, to step into the unknown and make our dreams come true.


Myth: “You’ve Let The Other Person Off The Hook For Their Bad Behaviour”

It’s normal isn’t it to want to apportion blame and to punish people for their 'bad behaviour'? After all, we're pretty much conditioned by society and parental figures to judge others. Here’s the thing, punishing someone, pouring shame on them and seeing ourselves as victims, only serves to delay our healing. 

It’s impossible to heal when you see yourself as a victim of your circumstances.

Conscious loving divorce encourages you to take responsibility for any covert agreements or behaviours that contributed to the breakdown of the relationship.

This could be the little thing that built up over a period of time, such as not speaking your truth, saying yes when you wanted to say no and then feeling resentful towards your partner.

It's possible you got stuck in a pattern of belittling your partner, or withholding love, sex, praise or appreciation. 

So What is a Conscious Loving Divorce Really About?

Firstly, I believe it's about honouring yourself, the relationship you once shared and any children you had in that union.

It's about recognising that love, people and relationships change, sometimes through no fault of the people involved. We are in relationships to evolve, to learn and to grow.

When you divorce with awareness, compassion, generosity of spirit you're able to let go of all the stuff that prevents healing. It sets your Soul free, and that's a wonderful feeling. You also learn tools to free yourself from difficult emotions and new skills to navigate your relationships in a healthy way

I believe from a spiritual perspective, that divorce is a catalyst for transformation.

So many people stay married for the wrong reasons, and that's unhealthy and damaging for the people (and children) involved.

If you have reached the stage in your relationship where you are disconnected from each other, where you both want and desire different things and to stay together would mean you would both compromise your Soul's happiness, then divorce is a healthy choice. 

The nature of life has changed since "the happy ever after" myth was create over 400 years ago, people live for longer and we expect to much more from our love partners than "safety or financial security'. In the past women didn't have jobs or their own money, let alone be allowed to vote!! 

A Conscious Loving Divorce empowers you to create healthy loving future relationships and this is imperative, especially when you look at the statistics of second or third marriages, which have a 47% to 67% success rates. The quality of your next partnerships depends upon your ability to forgive and fully heal.

If you would like to find out more about how I can help you heal your heart then click here to book a free discovery session.

Is it Time To Spring Clean Your Relationship

​Is It Time To Spring Clean Your Relationship?

Spring has finally arrived and it may be an ideal time to give your relationship a bit of an overhaul and spring clean...

We all get lazy in relationships and if you've been together a long time it's likely you have some bad habits that are creating a disconnection in the way you relate and which will directly impact the love you feel for your partner.

So today I'm going to share the 4R's that kill a relationship, I remember reading about this a long time ago in a book by Dr Barbara De'Angelis.

THE FIRST "R" IS FOR RESISTANCE:

Resistance can start early on in a relationship, due to a lack of confidence in yourself and a deep desire to be accepted. It's when you don't speak up, hide your feelings or you take what someone says's personally and start to withdraw. 

Other times it can become a habit when you've been together for a long time, you might have noticed or interpreted your partner as being critical, judgemental, unkind or not interested in what you're saying and so you start to restrict your behaviour or the way you share your thoughts and feelings.  The trouble with resistance is it creates distance as you start to move further away from intimacy and this in turn leads to the second R.

THE SECOND "R"IS FOR RESENTMENT

Resentment eats away at your relationship, it's like a cancer that starts to erode the love you feel for your partner and the primary reason is this; Resentment is built up anger and a sense of unfairness.  The more resentful a person becomes, the more they start to focus on what's "wrong" with the other person or relationship. 

Our perception of the other person becomes distorted, as we disown our own part in the relationship break down or lack of communication and in turn we become overly critical, judgemental, obtuse and difficult.  We start to create even more distance as we rationalise our behaviour to ourselves and very often in collusion with our friends or family. 

YOUR RELATIONSHIP NOW LACKS INTIMACY, CONNECTION & HONESTY AND UNLESS YOU DO SOMETHING NOW, STAGE 3 IS INEVITABLE

THE THIRD "R" = REJECTION

This naturally is the most damaging stage, as you slowly start to reject your partner.  A typical way this shows up in relationships is through sex or complete lack of it.  It's difficult to feel attracted to our partner when we have built up resentments.  

If  your partner has constantly belittled, criticised, dismisses your efforts, doesn't listen to you or your point of view etc then over time this  will drive a wedge between you will either be acting out passively by having physical or emotional affairs, rejecting their efforts of sex with you. It's very likely that you're always arguing or disagreeing with each other. You may be fantasing about leaving them or what life would be without them and/or is often the case you are pretty much doing your own thing and living separate lives.

YOU'RE NOW IN THE DANGER ZONE

THE 4TH "R": REPRESSION

If you have ever seen Gone With The Wind with Scarlett O'Hara and Rhett Butler, then this line sums it up completely. When you hit repression, you "simply don't give a damn" anymore, you are so emotionally disconnected with your partner, that you're no longer interested in doing anything to revive the relationship.

Depending on your partner, this will either play out in such a way that you're both living completely separate lives and in many instances, especially if you have children you will convince yourself "that the situation is okay for the sake of the children".  You will be numb emotionally and sexually (unless of course you're having a relationship outside the marriage) and this will affect other areas of your life.

It's likely that you have stopped arguing and pretty much ignore each other, communicating via email or text or only when really necessary. You might be depressed, over-eating or using alcohol or drugs to numb yourself emotionally.

WHAT CAN YOU DO ABOUT IT?

1.  RECOGNISE THAT CHANGE STARTS WITH TAKING RESPONSIBILITY

The only way you're going to change your current situation, is by deciding to take 100% responsibility for your own happiness and how you show up in your relationship. Whichever stage you're at, you have to decide that you want to change it and that you want to take responsibility for your part in the breakdown and disconnection.

It's only when you do this, can you really begin to reclaim your emotional power and begin to use any negative feelings you have in a powerful way to instigate change.  Most people don't do anything because they are fearful of the future.

2.  IT'S TIME TO GET REAL

I've always said that the biggest destroyer of relationships, is our inability to be honest with our partners... and with ourselves.  Emotional intimacy starts with honesty and an ability to share our truth without fear of being judged or punished.

If you want to spring clean your relationship, start by looking at your judgements.  Guaranteed, you will be making judgements about your partner and yourself (we all do it). Decide to be COMPASSIONATELY kind to yourself, and write out what you're making wrong about the other person, then ask yourself, "What is this reflecting back to me? what am I here to learn from this? What is this relationship showing me about how I give my power away?"
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All these questions are based on the premise that ALL RELATIONSHIPS ARE AN OPPORTUNITY FOR GROWTH... which is a spiritual law.

3. PRACTICE FORGIVENESS

What do you need to forgive in yourself and your partner.  Forgiveness includes the act of letting go, seeing the good in other person and releasing resentments.  This isn't always easy and I recommend using a forgiveness meditation, (click link to download).  It can be something we have to do daily, weekly etc depending on where we are with the 4 R's and also on what our judgements and resentments are about and how long they have been going on. 

It's a good idea to get help with a coach or professional if you are unable to do this on your own.

4.  ASK YOUR HEART, WHAT IS THE TRUTH ABOUT THIS SITUATION

Connect with your heart, and ask for guidance, ask what truth is being revealed to you about yourself and your relationship.  You are far more powerful than you think. Often we unconsciously believe we're powerless, incapable, not enough and we actually ignore the whisper of our intuition or inner wisdom. Decide to stop doing that. 

Take a moment to tune in to your truth and discover the real lesson here.  You will be guided.

5.  COMMUNICATE WITH YOUR PARTNER

If you have done the first 4 steps, and feel that you have reached some understanding or a shift in perspective about your relationship, then set aside some time to talk with your partner.  BE BRAVE, if necessary write down what you want to say or talk about, and set the intention to have a loving conversation. Obviously depending on where you are in the 4 R's will depend on how difficult this conversation will be and if you need the assistance of a coach or professional.

Decide that you deserve to have love in your life and that the old way of relating isn't working for you. 

Transforming Divorce Stress

OMG!!! Divorce is not only painful but stressful too!

Today I am sharing one of the easiest tips I know for transforming divorce stress. The first thing you have to realise is that YOU ARE WAY MORE POWERFUL THAN YOU THINK, especially right now, if you're going through the mill over your breakup or divorce. 

HOLD on to that thought, remember it, write it on post it notes and stick them all over your house.  Because divorce will test you...

So the reason I want you to remember YOU ARE WAY MORE POWERFUL THAN YOU THINK... is so that you realise you are in control of your emotions, you are the mistress (opps maybe not the best phrase, ) you're the master of your emotional freedom and wellbeing...

So, when it feels like life or your previous partner has the better of you, CHOOSE TO DO THIS...

HEART FOCUSED BREATHING™

This is a technique which I learnt whilst training as a HeartMath Coach, and it is one of the simplest but most powerful tools I know which can transform anxiety, panic, fear, stress in the moment, WITH YOUR EYES OPEN... which I think is really helpful.
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So the first part is to make the decision in the moment to change the way you're feeling.

1. Focus your attention on your heart area... (yes the left hand side of your body where your heart resides). I would even put your hand on your heart, as it will bring your attention and awareness there.
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2. Start to breathe a little more slowly and deeply, breathe in for the count of 4 and out for the count of 4.
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3. Do this 3 times and then think of a positive emotion that you would like to feel, such as calm, happy, love, appreciation is usually the easiest... focus on that, if it's helpful use an image, or a memory of being in nature.

4. Notice how your heart rhythm has slowed down, and how you feel more centred and grounded.  

This exercise has a direct impact on your Autonomic Nervous System (ANS) and will stop the secretion of the stress hormones, cortisol and adrenalin and realise the hormone DHEA, which is the vitality hormone.  The more frequently you practice this exercise, the more resilience you will build up in your body and mind.  It will have a direct impact on your emotional wellbeing.

If you have any questions that you need answered, then please comment below.

Love

Maxine x

We Are Love – Feel Good Friday Interview Hosted by Carolyn LuckyGirl

One of the things I love about the work I do is being able to impact the lives of others and sharing my message, which is "We are LOVE..."


What a beautiful soul Carolyn LuckyGirl is... intuitive, spiritual, wise and so much fun. 

I was very fortunate to be invited to join Carolyn on Kennet Radio (106.7 fm) last week for "Feel Good Friday" where we got to chat about my favourite subjects love, relationships and how to have a healthy conscious divorce.


Listen Here...

If you're Newbury based and have some physical and emotional blocks you need clearing, then please contact Carolyn via her website,  link above.