Divorce Archives - maxineclancy.com

Category Archives for "Divorce"

Is Divorce Stress Getting The Better of You?

​Feelings aren't bad or wrong! They're an indicator of what's going on internally and what you need to move towards or away from to re-align.

We often suppress or don't like to acknowledge our feelings. Difficult emotions such as fear, worry, frustration, loneliness, anxiety, anger, boredom, hurt, jealousy, guilt  and resentment (yes I know there's a lot of them) when ignored end up accumulating and causing stress in the body.

 We get into overwhelm and resort to easing stress by overeating, drinking, vegging out on the sofa watching a Game of Thrones boxset (I must be one of the few people yet to watch it yet!) and going to bed exhausted and then unable to sleep.  Often the suppression of stress leads to us being over anxious and overly sensitive, which means we have an emotional build up and results in "reaction, projection, blaming" and arguments with the people in our lives.  Not helpful when you're going through divorce (or anytime to be honest).

The stress  and anxiety caused by divorce has a double impact on our lives, as often we find it difficult to concentrate at work and we then worry about our productivity, maybe we make mistakes and we worry about loosing our jobs.

Stress creates a fight, flight or freeze response.

When stressed we are in "Survival Mode". This is fine if we're in life threatening situations such as being attacked by a tiger, however it's not helpful in every day life situations and we keep reacting as if we're being attacked.  Everyone has a stress response. Mine very frequently was paralysis. When I was going through my divorce I would feel absolutely paralysed with fear. It was debilitating and completely exhausting.

That's why I became a Heartmath™ Coach

HeartMath™ techniques teach you how to use the power of your heart to TRANSFORM stress. When you transform an emotion or anything,  you are changing it.  The caterpillar becomes the butterfly.

What I loved most about discovering these techniques is that they were science backed. Now, I am quite woo woo, I believe in spirituality, the soul, the universe, higher powers, mysticism etc... BUT I wanted to have something that I could use to teach people that was proven.  HeartMath™ has 26 years of scientific evidence. I love that!​​

Join Me -7 Day Transforming Stress Challenge

I'm going to be sharing techniques that will show you how to :-

* Stop energy drains - you know the negative emotions that steal your energy

* How to use your heart's power and intelligence to stop judging yourself and others

* How to increase your energy and vitality


The Benefits Of An Emotional Power Practice

Emotional confidence and power is the foundation of healthy self-esteem and Happy Healthy Love.

When you don't have emotional power or confidence, it's very likely you spend a lot of time doubting yourself and procrastinating about  decisions. You might find you're in reaction mode, avoiding conflict, afraid to stand up for yourself and unable to express your true feelings as you're worried about the consequences. 

Emotional power comes from choosing to be 100% responsible for your life, your feelings and what you create. Understanding and accepting that life doesn't happen to you, but moves through you. Each and every one of us has creative energy within us and it's up to us how we use it.  When we don't take responsibility for how we feel and what we're creating we often feel like VICTIMs, at the mercy of our circumstances... you know that "why me" mentality.

Victims feel Powerless.

If you want to be free to live the life of your dreams, to have the love you want, to build a career you love, and have fulfilling relationships then its imperative that you learn to access your personal power. The good news is everyone can.

It's time to stop:-

* Giving your power away
* Blaming others
* Over promising, over committing, being overly responsible for other people's feelings.
* Beating yourself up when you make mistakes
* Trying to prove your value or worth
* Ignoring your feeling and needs
* Saying "yes" when you want to say NO!

It's time to learn to:-

* Say "Yes" to things that light you up!
* Cultivate the ability to be aware of your own feelings and separate them from your thoughts
* Learn to distinguish your needs
* Recognise and stand for your true values and not what you think you "should" do
* Set clear boundaries, particularly regarding "burdensome" requests
* Expand your capacity to validate yourself as precious and valuable

When you learn to witness, acknowledge and be with your feelings, you access a new way of relating to your personal power. You realise your emotions are there to guide you and rather than suppressing them, you learn to be with them and transform them.  This is the gateway to freedom.

The first thing I teach anyone who comes to work with me is how to access their personal power and develop a strong emotional core. Click here to sign up for the free download.

Is it Time To Spring Clean Your Relationship

Is It Time To Spring Clean Your Relationship?

Spring has finally arrived and it may be an ideal time to give your relationship a bit of an overhaul and spring clean...

We all get lazy in relationships and if you've been together a long time it's likely you have some bad habits that are creating a disconnection in the way you relate and which will directly impact the love you feel for your partner.

So today I'm going to share the 4R's that kill a relationship, I remember reading about this a long time ago in a book by Dr Barbara De'Angelis.


Resistance can start early on in a relationship, due to a lack of confidence in yourself and a deep desire to be accepted. It's when you don't speak up, hide your feelings or you take what someone says's personally and start to withdraw. 

Other times it can become a habit when you've been together for a long time, you might have noticed or interpreted your partner as being critical, judgemental, unkind or not interested in what you're saying and so you start to restrict your behaviour or the way you share your thoughts and feelings.  The trouble with resistance is it creates distance as you start to move further away from intimacy and this in turn leads to the second R.


Resentment eats away at your relationship, it's like a cancer that starts to erode the love you feel for your partner and the primary reason is this; Resentment is built up anger and a sense of unfairness.  The more resentful a person becomes, the more they start to focus on what's "wrong" with the other person or relationship. 

Our perception of the other person becomes distorted, as we disown our own part in the relationship break down or lack of communication and in turn we become overly critical, judgemental, obtuse and difficult.  We start to create even more distance as we rationalise our behaviour to ourselves and very often in collusion with our friends or family. 



This naturally is the most damaging stage, as you slowly start to reject your partner.  A typical way this shows up in relationships is through sex or complete lack of it.  It's difficult to feel attracted to our partner when we have built up resentments.  

If  your partner has constantly belittled, criticised, dismisses your efforts, doesn't listen to you or your point of view etc then over time this  will drive a wedge between you will either be acting out passively by having physical or emotional affairs, rejecting their efforts of sex with you. It's very likely that you're always arguing or disagreeing with each other. You may be fantasing about leaving them or what life would be without them and/or is often the case you are pretty much doing your own thing and living separate lives.



If you have ever seen Gone With The Wind with Scarlett O'Hara and Rhett Butler, then this line sums it up completely. When you hit repression, you "simply don't give a damn" anymore, you are so emotionally disconnected with your partner, that you're no longer interested in doing anything to revive the relationship.

Depending on your partner, this will either play out in such a way that you're both living completely separate lives and in many instances, especially if you have children you will convince yourself "that the situation is okay for the sake of the children".  You will be numb emotionally and sexually (unless of course you're having a relationship outside the marriage) and this will affect other areas of your life.

It's likely that you have stopped arguing and pretty much ignore each other, communicating via email or text or only when really necessary. You might be depressed, over-eating or using alcohol or drugs to numb yourself emotionally.



The only way you're going to change your current situation, is by deciding to take 100% responsibility for your own happiness and how you show up in your relationship. Whichever stage you're at, you have to decide that you want to change it and that you want to take responsibility for your part in the breakdown and disconnection.

It's only when you do this, can you really begin to reclaim your emotional power and begin to use any negative feelings you have in a powerful way to instigate change.  Most people don't do anything because they are fearful of the future.


I've always said that the biggest destroyer of relationships, is our inability to be honest with our partners... and with ourselves.  Emotional intimacy starts with honesty and an ability to share our truth without fear of being judged or punished.

If you want to spring clean your relationship, start by looking at your judgements.  Guaranteed, you will be making judgements about your partner and yourself (we all do it). Decide to be COMPASSIONATELY kind to yourself, and write out what you're making wrong about the other person, then ask yourself, "What is this reflecting back to me? what am I here to learn from this? What is this relationship showing me about how I give my power away?"

All these questions are based on the premise that ALL RELATIONSHIPS ARE AN OPPORTUNITY FOR GROWTH... which is a spiritual law.


What do you need to forgive in yourself and your partner.  Forgiveness includes the act of letting go, seeing the good in other person and releasing resentments.  This isn't always easy and I recommend using a forgiveness meditation, (click link to download).  It can be something we have to do daily, weekly etc depending on where we are with the 4 R's and also on what our judgements and resentments are about and how long they have been going on. 

It's a good idea to get help with a coach or professional if you are unable to do this on your own.


Connect with your heart, and ask for guidance, ask what truth is being revealed to you about yourself and your relationship.  You are far more powerful than you think. Often we unconsciously believe we're powerless, incapable, not enough and we actually ignore the whisper of our intuition or inner wisdom. Decide to stop doing that. 

Take a moment to tune in to your truth and discover the real lesson here.  You will be guided.


If you have done the first 4 steps, and feel that you have reached some understanding or a shift in perspective about your relationship, then set aside some time to talk with your partner.  BE BRAVE, if necessary write down what you want to say or talk about, and set the intention to have a loving conversation. Obviously depending on where you are in the 4 R's will depend on how difficult this conversation will be and if you need the assistance of a coach or professional.

Decide that you deserve to have love in your life and that the old way of relating isn't working for you. 

Transforming Divorce Stress

OMG!!! Divorce is not only painful but stressful too!

Today I am sharing one of the easiest tips I know for transforming divorce stress. The first thing you have to realise is that YOU ARE WAY MORE POWERFUL THAN YOU THINK, especially right now, if you're going through the mill over your breakup or divorce. 

HOLD on to that thought, remember it, write it on post it notes and stick them all over your house.  Because divorce will test you...

So the reason I want you to remember YOU ARE WAY MORE POWERFUL THAN YOU THINK... is so that you realise you are in control of your emotions, you are the mistress (opps maybe not the best phrase, ) you're the master of your emotional freedom and wellbeing...

So, when it feels like life or your previous partner has the better of you, CHOOSE TO DO THIS...


This is a technique which I learnt whilst training as a HeartMath Coach, and it is one of the simplest but most powerful tools I know which can transform anxiety, panic, fear, stress in the moment, WITH YOUR EYES OPEN... which I think is really helpful.

So the first part is to make the decision in the moment to change the way you're feeling.

1. Focus your attention on your heart area... (yes the left hand side of your body where your heart resides). I would even put your hand on your heart, as it will bring your attention and awareness there.

2. Start to breathe a little more slowly and deeply, breathe in for the count of 4 and out for the count of 4.

3. Do this 3 times and then think of a positive emotion that you would like to feel, such as calm, happy, love, appreciation is usually the easiest... focus on that, if it's helpful use an image, or a memory of being in nature.

4. Notice how your heart rhythm has slowed down, and how you feel more centred and grounded.  

This exercise has a direct impact on your Autonomic Nervous System (ANS) and will stop the secretion of the stress hormones, cortisol and adrenalin and realise the hormone DHEA, which is the vitality hormone.  The more frequently you practice this exercise, the more resilience you will build up in your body and mind.  It will have a direct impact on your emotional wellbeing.

If you have any questions that you need answered, then please comment below.


Maxine x