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Category Archives for "Divorce"

So Your Ex Cheated On You?

This is the first in a "What to Do Series" in readiness for my
Get DIVORCE Fit program, which is launching in October.  

Divorce or break ups are bad enough without the cruel twist of the betrayal dagger in an already traumatised heart.

To break up is one thing, to be told “I’m leaving you because I’m in love with someone else” or to discover your partner cheated after you’ve separated seems to take the suffering to a whole new level.

I’ve been that woman who was betrayed, I found out about my ex-husband’s affair and confronted him one night whilst the kids were in bed asleep, to be told “It’s not what you think, it’s something else”… my ex husband had the gall to tell me he had been “doing drugs”! As an ex-drug addict that could have been believable, but I knew it was a lie. As we were arguing a text came through on his phone . It read …”Babe, the bed’s too big without you…”

I later discovered my husband had cheated on me with a number of people in our marriage and after we split up, he introduced one of the women into my new circle of friends and she kept showing up in my life. I couldn’t help but feel betrayed all over again. It was horrendous, talk about having salt rubbed into your wound.

As a relationship coach, I knew I had to peel back the layers and look within. It was my belief that if something was showing up in my life then on some level I had created it.  I don’t mean I wanted my husband to cheat or betray me,  I'm saying, if betrayal was showing up in my life then I knew it was a reflection of a vibrational match within me.

One night I woke at about 3 in the morning, with the realisation that I had been betraying myself all my life and this was happening to wake me up.  A movie of my life started to play in my mind of all the times I had been betrayed or I had betrayed others or myself.

Every time I said "yes" when I meant "no", every time I dropped what I needed in favour of someone else’s needs, especially his needs, every time I put up with bad behaviour, every time I didn't follow through on my own words


Life will show us where we are vibrationally.  We draw to us experiences that reflect our inner world, so we can do the work of healing our wounds and our disconnection to the truth of who we are.

SO WHAT DO YOU DO WHEN YOU DISCOVER YOUR EX HAS CHEATED ON YOU?

So the best piece of advice I can offer anyone who was in a relationship with a cheater, is to reflect the mirror back at yourself, and ask:

"Where do you betray yourself?”
“What do you lie to yourself about?”
“What are you cheating yourself of?"
“Who have you betrayed?”
“What do you need to take ownership of”

Do this with COMPASSIONATE KINDNESS TO YOURSELF. Don't beat yourself up over it, use it as an opportunity to reflect and discover what you need to learn about yourself, so you can clear it within you and not repeat the patterns of the past.

We are not victims of our circumstances, we are powerful creative souls and we’re here to rise up in our personal power of love.

With love


If you have any questions about this post, please comment below and I will happily answer them.


Should I Stay In Contact With My Ex?

I get asked this a lot when I’m coaching clients, so I thought I’d do a quick blog post on this today…

If you and your partner have decided to call it a day and you’ve agreed to go your separate ways (for whatever reason) then it’s important to focus on yourself and give yourself the best opportunity to heal. So if you’re in the first 4 to 8 weeks of your break up its best to have the least amount of contact as possible.

If you’re feeling vulnerable and emotionally raw (which is natural) then communicating with your ex will likely trigger feelings of uncertainty and in turn you’ll start to feel needy, desperate, jealous and even enraged. It’s confusing you’ve gone from being best friends and lovers to someone saying they don’t want to build a life with you. It’s tough and painful.

Minimising contact is the best way to set yourself up to take care of yourself so you can heal and start the process of rebuilding your life.

Obviously not every situation is the same, if you have children or run a business together, you will need some level of communication, if you don’t then things will be different.

If you have no reason to stay friends (other than you think you should)

Okay our brain will tell us we have lots of reasons to stay friends, it’s the trick it plays to keep ourselves safe as we don’t like uncertainty or discomfort… so we say “we’ve got shared friends or a dog, or we like the same pub etc” – right now, the best thing for you is to break all contact… Especially on social media, SMS or email.

You need healthy boundaries; one’s where you’re not stalking your Ex on social media or in your car (I know, we’ve all done it). If you’re friends on social media it will keep throwing up things your Ex is doing and guaranteed they’re going to be things  they didn’t do with you that you might even have begged them to try… it will set you back and will stop you from creating happy healthy love within yourself and with someone else.

Healthy boundaries start by knowing your “NO”s and the most important no when a relationship ends is no communication… You have to focus on you, there’s a reason why you’ve broken up and even if it’s your choice to break up the “don’t want them, but don’t want anyone else to have them” mindset can also kick in.

Suddenly someone seems attractive and interesting again usually because we’re scared we’ll be alone forever and no one will love us again.  So we go back to what wasn’t working a few weeks ago. The going back and forth creates even more confusion when you need a clear mind in order to heal your heart.

So drop all contact until you're settled into your new life, and ONLY then, decide from a clear head and heart if it’s good to be friends… of course if you do bump into them be pleasant, but keep boundaries that support you.

If you have children or run a business together.

You have to accept that you will need to communicate, of course you might extricate yourself out of a business, but with children that’s obviously not an option… so here are some simple guidelines to help you get going… . Firstly, the above comments apply, especially the social media and stalking… close all connection on that front.

    1. Set a clear intention to behave respectfully and civily with your Ex… I’m not saying this will always be easy, but the intention is a stand you make for yourself so you show up in a way that honours you and your children.

    2. Do not bad mouth your Ex or discuss any of the divorce arrangements in front of your children, tempting though it may be. It’s important to allow your children to have a healthy relationship with both parents, even if you are aggrieved. Think about what’s triggering you to want to share information about your Ex with your children and work on this in private with a friend or even better a coach. 

    3. Make sure your divorce and custody arrangements for your children are clear and concise, so there’s no confusion around expectations and responsibilities. This helps to minimise misunderstandings and mis-communications.

    4. If you have any angry ex, who is prone to emotional outbursts then it’s important to know how to respond in advance. It’s very likely that you didn’t learn to deal with this in the relationship and it may even be part of the reason you’re separated now.​

    The most important thing here, is that you have to take care of your emotional wellbeing, and it is not acceptable for someone to communicate in this way with you. You have a right to ask someone to stop communicating in this way, and this requires you to be in your own authority and to speak up. The first thing I remind my clients is;

    "It's not personal" - even when it feels like it is...

    Someone’s behaviour tells you more about them then you. It’s usually because they are communicating from their wounded child, and they’ve learned to respond in this way in childhood… It doesn’t make it right, it’s just helpful to know this and to say this in your head when they behave in this way.

    One of the best techniques for stabilising yourself and dealing with the emotional stress is the Heart Focused Breathing™ I teach in my HeartMath™ coaching, this is easy to learn and if you would like to know more click here.​

    5. Don't use your children to send messages or relay information. It’s unfair on the children and they get confused. Children often favour the underdog in any situation (as do most people) and it’s very likely that your children will end up feeling more compassion for your Ex than understanding why you’re behaving like you are.



If you have any questions about this post, please comment below and I will happily answer them.

5 Steps To Detox Your Ex

You might be asking;
“Is it possible to positively flush out my Ex in 5 steps?”

In the spirit of keeping it real, it’s definitely possible, but not always easy. To be honest it takes a genuine desire to honour yourself and the relationship you had, a brave heart and a large dose of generosity. The rewards though, are immeasurable, especially if you have children.

Six months into my separation, I was at my lowest. It was the week between Christmas and New year and I was having panic attacks about the future. I was full of despair and at the same time I didn’t want to start the new year feeling this way. Inherently I knew I had to take charge of my healing. It was a pivotal moment, choosing not to be a victim of my circumstances helped me turn everything around and it can for you too.

The popular myth “time heals” is full of BS, time passes but it doesn’t automatically heal.

I’m sure like me, you’ve had a friend who got divorced and never got over it, even after 5 or 10 years. In my experience, it’s the choices you make and specifically the choice to heal, that will give you the emotional freedom you crave. The moment I decided to take charge of my own healing was the moment that everything changed for me.

As a coach, I know relationships are an inside-out job, and by that, I mean we are co-creating with life through our thoughts and feelings, our external world is a reflection of our inner world.

At some level I knew I had unconsciously co-created these circumstances for some inner healing of a childhood wound. Where had I given my power away in my relationship and what did I need to take responsibility for?

This is such a powerful questions as we’re used to blaming others, especially when we’ve been hurt. However, there’s a huge gift in taking responsibility, as you get to reclaim your power and you discover life doesn’t happen to you, it happens through you. (As my mentor Katherine Woodward Thomas likes to say).

We’re so used to clinging onto things, people, relationships, (stuff) and I desperately wanted to cling on to my marriage for safety. I was madly in love when I found out about his affair and I didn’t want a divorce as I believed our love was way bigger than our problems. Yet you can’t make someone work at a relationship if they don’t want to. I had to choose to accept his decision and let him go.

The thing that so often stops us is the fear of the unknown, the fear of being alone forever (will I ever be loved again), fear of stepping out into the world as a single person. Our pain and suffering can be a trusty companion compared to the uncertainty of the future.

Yet it’s through acceptance and letting go that we get to move forward.

We must be willing to get rid of the life we've planned, 
so as to have the life that is waiting for us” – Joseph Campbell

Forgiveness is ONE of the keys to healing, the others are love, compassion and appreciation. Often what blocks forgiveness is the fear that if we forgive we are condoning the other person’s behaviour or invalidating our suffering. This is far from the truth. I like to see forgiveness as a “selfish blessing” because when we practice it, we receive the benefits. If you don’t forgive its very likely you’ll end up bitter, angry or resentful. This impacts your ability to have happy healthy love going forward and is hugely detrimental to your health and wellbeing.

After making the choice to let the marriage go I had to practice forgiveness hourly, and on some days when my buttons were pushed it was every ten minutes !!! (I’m a person, not a saint)!!

This really is the fun bit! You have to create a new vision for your life, just like the Joseph Campbell quote, there is a life waiting for you. One that can be even greater than the one you previously had and that’s because you get to take the gold from your heartache and the richness soften your heart some, making you a wiser, more generous and compassionate person.

I do believe everything in my life has made me the person I am today, and my greatest heartaches have also given me great gifts. I re-discovered my creativity and intuition after my breakup, wrote a children’s book and created the Divorce Detox, an online transformational course for women.

So, in this last step give yourself the gifts your divorce and heartache brings you… trust me, there’s always gifts if you choose to find them.



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Fighting with your Ex? Join the 5 Day Challenge

IT DOESN'T MATTER HOW LONG YOU'VE BEEN SEPARATED OR DIVORCED

If you still have a relationship with your Ex, because you have children together or you share a business or just because... the fighting can be a nightmare... let's face it, if you got on well you would still be together!

It doesn't have to be that way...

With the right skills and a desire to be your best self, you can transform your communications with your Ex so that you don't end up feeling guilty, bad, angry and peeved all the time.

I'd love for you to join me on our 5 Day Free Challenge to get over your Ex...



Are you sick’n’tired of your divorce situation?

The first turning point of my divorce journey was when I decided to accept the reality of my situation.

Six months after my husband had left to live with his girlfriend, he was looking after the children and I begged him to come home. I must have triggered his guilt, or so I thought as he returned to the family home. Four days later he moved out, and I discovered the only reason he came back was because his girlfriend had thrown him out as he had also cheated on her.

It was ten days before Christmas and it was my lowest point. I was sick and tired of the whole situation!  I was skinny, if I wasn’t so unhappy I would have celebrated how much weight I had lost, but in truth, I was nauseous all the time and couldn’t eat. I was devastated, anxious and had lost the will to live. I couldn’t believe the man who had once loved me so much could be so callous and selfish. In my heart, I knew it was only me who could change the way I was feeling and if I wanted 2011 to be any different, I had to choose to it.

I was devastated, anxious and had lost the will to live. I couldn’t believe the man who had once loved me so much could be so callous and selfish. In my heart, I knew it was only me who could change the way I was feeling and if I wanted 2011 to be any different, I had to choose to it.

I couldn’t change my  Ex’s mind or my situation, I had to change my thinking.

In the midst of my angst, I decided to accept my reality, he was not coming back and I had to move on. I knew I didn’t want to start the New Year depressed and anxious. I wanted to feel different.

So here’s the good bit… You don’t have to wait for a New Year to choose to change your thinking,, you just need to get to the point where you’re sick and tired of your creality and choose to accept it.  It will be a tmajor turning point in your journey.

Here’s what you can do…

I have always kept a journal and I started to write…

I’m sick and tired of you behaving like a child…

I’m sick and tired of supporting you emotionally…

I’m sick and tired of your abrupt attitude…

I’m sick and tired of you being a crap inconsistent father…

I’m sick and tired of your lies…

The list went on, I wrote over 200 “sick ‘n’ tired” statements. I let it all out and I realised I was ready to let go of him.

I then wrote another list…

It was the list of what I would love in my life for me and my children and I worked with my intuition on what I truly wanted, it was a rock solid family. I wrote a vision of what that looked like, what we would do and how I would be with my kids and I chose to focus on that.

Power comes from making a choice to accept what is, and in choosing a true vision for you and your family.

You can listen to my Sick’n’Tired Podcast on soundcloud.

If you would love help with writing your list or you want to post some of your “sick ‘n’Tired” in the comments below then we would love to support you on your journey. PS. You don’t need to share your list with your Ex.

With love

Maxine page sign off

Changing Your Divorce Story: From Fear To Love

The thing with divorce, is it catapults you into massive uncertainty and fear.  Everything you knew to be true is no longer the same, you find yourself questioning everything and feeling as if you know nothing.  The uncertainty about your partner, your life, your home, your kids and your finances is all too much, and your conversation with yourself and others becomes one of fear.

One of the biggest challenges anyone faces (myself included) at the beginning of divorce is how to change the story from fear to love. Fear creates a constant and never ending assault on your thoughts and feelings. You find yourself going around in the “crazy 8 loop”, a place of no beginning and no ending. It starts with a thought, “Where will I live?” which leads to “How will I support myself?” to “Why did he leave?” and then it’s “what did I do wrong?” to “I should have been more patient”. The thoughts become one long chain reaction and you’re yourself locked in self-doubt, self-criticism and feelings of unworthiness.

Does it have to be this way?  What if we replaced fear with love? It’s hard to believe you can especially when you are in the process of divorce.

When coaching clients I help them to understand how FOCUS exacerbates pain and fear.  Whatever you focus on expands, if you focus on fear, life get scarier, if you focus on loss, you feel sadness.  If you focus on the lack of love, you experience the lack of love. If you believe you experience love as a result of your “significant other” and they are no longer there, then love becomes unavailable to you.

It’s not true though, people can be a catalyst for love, however, the love you feel comes from within, it’s your natural state of being and it’s who you really are. You are an infinite source of divine love and all healing comes from love. In order to heal your divorce, you have to connect to the love within you.

Imagine if you were to focus on the love in your heart on a daily basis and you began to feel happier, lighter and more able to deal with your divorce, wouldn’t that be better than pain and suffering? I am not talking about denying your feelings of sadness, however, I am suggesting you choose to alleviate your fear by connecting to love, the love within you.

One of the easiest ways to shift from fear to love is to begin to find small things to be grateful for, to appreciate yourself, to be kind to yourself, and choosing to feel love for yourself no matter what. You can listen to a powerful “Connected Heart” meditation below.  When you shift your focus to love, and connect to your real power, you activate your own healing.

With love

Maxine page sign off

 

 

“I’D RATHER DIE THAN BE DIVORCED”

Can Divorce Give You A Heart Attack?

My new client shouted out the words, “I’d rather die than be divorced!”

The woman in her early 50s was beautifully dressed, attractive and carried an air of confidence that comes with someone of her years. I studied her face as she continued, “I just can’t bear the pain, my heart is breaking”.

Her words were so apt: the physical pain of heartbreak is very real. In a post on the American Heart Association’s website, Is Broken Heart Syndrome Real”, the author states:

“Broken heart syndrome, also called stress-induced cardiomyopathy or takotsubo cardiomyopathy, can strike even if you’re healthy…Women are more likely than men to experience the sudden, intense chest pain — the reaction to a surge of stress hormones — that can be caused by an emotionally stressful event. It could be the death of a loved one or even a divorce, breakup or physical separation, betrayal or romantic rejection.”

If the shock of a break-up can induce broken heart syndrome, where a part of the heart temporarily enlarges and pumps differently than usual, it is reasonable to suggest that when a person says their “heart is broken” it is a true and real experience for them.

In my years of working with people, I have come to understand heartbreak to be a “Crisis of the Heart” where spiritually the heart “cracks open” in order to allow us to love even more deeply. During heartbreak, we are challenged to fully open our hearts in order to allow us to experience a deeper layer of intimacy with ourselves and others.  It is the crisis itself which opens us up to a re-connection with ourselves, our self-expression and the truth of our soul.

More often than not, as the layers peel away, a crisis of the heart will reveal a necessary reflection of the deep disconnection many of us have within ourselves. It can be difficult to see and to be honest about this disconnection; yet when we do, the gifts received are immeasurable.

So the real challenge is “Do you choose to sit down and die? Or do you choose to embrace the pain, be vulnerable and look deeper into the depth of your soul?”

In other words: do you connect to your real truth? 

This was the question my client had to face…

If we fight the “crisis of the heart” by closing down our hearts we prolong our suffering, we create emotional, physical and mental blockages which impact our healing and our health. The challenge with closing our heart is that we disconnect even more from our flow of love and our spiritual energy.  Every crisis of the heart is an invitation to crack ourselves open and connect at a deeper level to the love within ourselves and to share this love with others.  Heartbreak and suffering are often seen as an opportunity to validate, justify and vindicate ourselves, to apportion blame and shame others in regards to their behaviours.

What, though, if this crisis of the heart was seen as an opportunity to take responsibility for ourselves and our well-being, and instead of buying into our fears, we embraced our crisis and connected to our hearts and opened ourselves up to the infinite source of love within us. The sooner we do this, the less we suffer and the crisis will pass.

With love

Maxine page sign off