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Changing the way we divorce, one heart at a time

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Giving birth is the easy part, it’s what happens next!

Arhh and things were never the same again...

We've had so much change lately what with Covid-19, lockdown and numerous restrictions to our every day lives, it got me thinking about when I gave birth to my first child, my son, Daniel and how life was never the same again.

When you're pregnant you hear loads of stories about the awful things that can happen during labour, it engenders so much fear that I wonder why anyone would ever get pregnant, let alone do it more than once.

Here's three lessons I learned when I had Dan that have served me well in all areas of my life, whether it's been raising my children, starting a business, getting divorced, a new relationship, moving countries or dealing with unexpected circumstances.

Be more flexible

I might add, that's not me in the photo!!! When you're expecting, there's this thing called the BIRTH PLAN, and it lists out all the things you want, like epidural, gas and air and in my case, it was a water birth, no drugs, lots of candles, music and my partner.

In reality.... I was induced, which was excruciatingly painful!! The doctor also broke my waters for me - definitely not nice! In the end I had to have gas and air and an epidural!!  I then spent two hours pushing my son out (I think he was warm and cosy and didn't want to come out) - a total of 36 hours in labour!!

So yes, it's important to have a plan, whether it's your life plan, wedding plan, holiday plan... and above all else, be flexible with it, listen to your intuition and don't be afraid to change the plan, if you change your mind or if what you previously thought you wanted is no longer going to serve your highest good.

I know it might seem obvious... AND BREATHE

Breathe and be with every moment... When we're anxious or fearful, we tend to hold our breath, and holding our breath stops the flow of energy in our body. We are made of energy and I like to think of emotion as energy that moves through us that attach meaning and thoughts to.

As we go through life emotions get stuck in our bodies. When we become present to our emotions, name them and breathe through them, the energy and emotions move through us and we shift the energy.

You have the power to shift your emotions through the way you breathe 

Allow yourself to feel bliss

There is this wonderful moment when the baby pops out of your lady parts, when you get hit with a rush of oxytocin and every thing feels amazing. I mean honestly it's such a relief that the baby is out, so it is going to feel good but this is quite indescribably amazing! 

Here's what it taught me, so often in life we strive to reach a goal or create an amazing result, and we forget to experience the bliss, we quickly move on to the next thing, in a rush to get somewhere else.

Giving birth taught me to enjoy my creations, to savour the moment and be present to what is happening right here, right now.

So in conclusion, life will never be the same again, whether it's after having a child, getting married, dealing with the impact of Covid or simply because each and every day you are evolving, growing and becoming more of who you truly are.

It's been 18 years and 4 months since I gave birth to my son and so much has changed in my life. I married his father, and divorced him 10 years later, I was a single mum (to two) and now I'm engaged again and crazily in love.

So many moments of flexibility, breathing with and 
through life and feeling my bliss, thank you

With love

Photo Credits and Thanks: Top Image To Bottom
Kalea Jerielle, Petr Ruzicka, Max van den Oetelaar, Eric Froehling - Unsplash

How Well Are You Loving Yourself?

There wasn't much handholding in our decorating days!

Loving others isn't always easy, we so often get caught up in conflicting emotions, from being madly in love to feeling cross that our needs haven't been met. 

In the past, I was constantly saying "What about me? Why doesn't anyone care?" that was years ago, when I was stuck in victim thinking, feeling like my partner was against me and that no one noticed my struggles.

The thing is, we learn how to love and care for ourselves from our parents, and whilst my parents showered us with lots of love, my mum did everything for everyone!! She hardly ever said no or put her needs first. Of course she learned that from her mother and I learned to do the same.

In my first marriage, I would overcompensate because I felt unworthy, it was exhausting!

One time, we were decorating our home. I was working full-time, training as a psychotherapist with an additional 10 hours of client work each week. I wanted to be the best wife, friend, sister, daughter, you name it... at the time, my then hubby wasn't working.

On one particular evening, I came home, tired and he asked me to help him sand down the wooden skirting boards - I mean seriously!!! Inside I was "You've got to be kidding me!!!" BUT I didn't have the courage to say no!

I remember sitting on the floor, peeling off the layers of paint, suppressing my anger and fighting back the tears deep inside. I wanted him to notice my suffering, to say... "Sweetheart, you look tired, go have a bath!" - of course he didn't and I was resentful. That doesn't make for a happy marriage or a healthy sex life.

Thank heavens I've learned to speak up, express my needs, and ask for help.​

So what did you learn about loving and taking care of yourself as you were growing up?

Do you people please? Saying yes, when you want to say no and then resent others?
Do you over-commit because you feel you're not enough?
Are you unapproachable, a little prickly? perhaps so people stay away and you don't have to face rejection?
May be you're self-blaming and overly responsible, believing everything's your fault?

In childhood, we have needs that go unmet, not because our parents are bad, but because our minds are undeveloped and we don't have the skills or capacities to express ourselves clearly. Our ego then gives meaning to EVERYTHING, and we internalise our feelings often in a disempowering way. In my program Rise Up, Be Free, Be You I show you how to break free from negative and false programming so you can discover your most radiant self, and rise up in love and be free to be YOU! New program starts 5th NOVEMBER

I'd love for you to join me. If you want to chat with me about this program, then drop me an email or schedule a free discovery call.

Love

Debunking The Myths About Conscious Loving Divorce

Conscious Uncoupling became a topic of conversation when Gwyneth Paltrow and Chris Martin used the term to announce they were separating after ten years of marriage back in 2014. 

Over the years, there has been a lot of mis-conceptions about the process, mainly that it's for the 'rich and famous' and for those who are 'happily divorcing'.

In my coaching practice, I use the process of 'Conscious Loving Divorce'. I've had many conversations over the years and have noticed some common mis-understandings which I'd like to debunk.

Myth: "You Must Be A Saint?"

Let’s face it, if you’re divorcing  then you must be saintly, holier than thou or think you’re superior to everyone else!

The truth is a conscious loving divorce is not about being saintly, it’s about recognising that 'ONE person' isn't to blame for the breakdown of a relationship.

Imagine choosing to divorce differently, with honour for the love you once shared and any children created out of that union. Conscious loving divorce is a process where each partner is choosing to responsibly navigate the end of their relationship in a powerful way, rather than from a sense of victimisation.

Myth: “You Can’t Be Heartbroken About Your Divorce?”

Another myth and assumption is 'You’re not upset, heartbroken, or angry' because “How can you be if you’re choosing to divorce with love?”

When my second marriage broke down, I was sick to my stomach, I couldn’t eat for a month. I cried in the shower, in my bed at night and in the car after dropping my kids at school. I was devastated, angry, sad, mad and jealous as hell of my husband’s new girlfriend.

I was insulted, my husband moved on with his life without a backward glance or a forwarding address. In my anger I would run through the woods screaming "Why me?" Eventually, I rose up and said:

“THIS WILL NOT DEFINE ME, I will chose who I am in this process.”

What people often fail to realise is conscious loving divorce is an act of Self-Love.

Myth: “You Must Be A Walkover!”

People often assume because you've chosen to divorce with kindness that you’re weak. In fact, it takes an enormous amount of courage to turn within, look at yourself and confront difficult emotions.

Learning how to be fully present with your emotions and to transform the emotions of anger and jealousy to self-truth and self-love requires bravery and courage. The energy of courage lifts us up, it empowers us to take full responsibility for our lives and happiness, to step into the unknown and make our dreams come true.


Myth: “You’ve Let The Other Person Off The Hook For Their Bad Behaviour”

It’s normal isn’t it to want to apportion blame and to punish people for their 'bad behaviour'? After all, we're pretty much conditioned by society and parental figures to judge others. Here’s the thing, punishing someone, pouring shame on them and seeing ourselves as victims, only serves to delay our healing. 

It’s impossible to heal when you see yourself as a victim of your circumstances.

Conscious loving divorce encourages you to take responsibility for any covert agreements or behaviours that contributed to the breakdown of the relationship.

This could be the little thing that built up over a period of time, such as not speaking your truth, saying yes when you wanted to say no and then feeling resentful towards your partner.

It's possible you got stuck in a pattern of belittling your partner, or withholding love, sex, praise or appreciation. 

So What is a Conscious Loving Divorce Really About?

Firstly, I believe it's about honouring yourself, the relationship you once shared and any children you had in that union.

It's about recognising that love, people and relationships change, sometimes through no fault of the people involved. We are in relationships to evolve, to learn and to grow.

When you divorce with awareness, compassion, generosity of spirit you're able to let go of all the stuff that prevents healing. It sets your Soul free, and that's a wonderful feeling. You also learn tools to free yourself from difficult emotions and new skills to navigate your relationships in a healthy way

I believe from a spiritual perspective, that divorce is a catalyst for transformation.

So many people stay married for the wrong reasons, and that's unhealthy and damaging for the people (and children) involved.

If you have reached the stage in your relationship where you are disconnected from each other, where you both want and desire different things and to stay together would mean you would both compromise your Soul's happiness, then divorce is a healthy choice. 

The nature of life has changed since "the happy ever after" myth was create over 400 years ago, people live for longer and we expect to much more from our love partners than "safety or financial security'. In the past women didn't have jobs or their own money, let alone be allowed to vote!! 

A Conscious Loving Divorce empowers you to create healthy loving future relationships and this is imperative, especially when you look at the statistics of second or third marriages, which have a 47% to 67% success rates. The quality of your next partnerships depends upon your ability to forgive and fully heal.

If you would like to find out more about how I can help you heal your heart then click here to book a free discovery session.

Transforming Divorce Stress

OMG!!! Divorce is not only painful but stressful too!

Today I am sharing one of the easiest tips I know for transforming divorce stress. The first thing you have to realise is that YOU ARE WAY MORE POWERFUL THAN YOU THINK, especially right now, if you're going through the mill over your breakup or divorce. 

HOLD on to that thought, remember it, write it on post it notes and stick them all over your house.  Because divorce will test you...

So the reason I want you to remember YOU ARE WAY MORE POWERFUL THAN YOU THINK... is so that you realise you are in control of your emotions, you are the mistress (opps maybe not the best phrase, ) you're the master of your emotional freedom and wellbeing...

So, when it feels like life or your previous partner has the better of you, CHOOSE TO DO THIS...

HEART FOCUSED BREATHING™

This is a technique which I learnt whilst training as a HeartMath Coach, and it is one of the simplest but most powerful tools I know which can transform anxiety, panic, fear, stress in the moment, WITH YOUR EYES OPEN... which I think is really helpful.
​
So the first part is to make the decision in the moment to change the way you're feeling.

1. Focus your attention on your heart area... (yes the left hand side of your body where your heart resides). I would even put your hand on your heart, as it will bring your attention and awareness there.
​
2. Start to breathe a little more slowly and deeply, breathe in for the count of 4 and out for the count of 4.
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3. Do this 3 times and then think of a positive emotion that you would like to feel, such as calm, happy, love, appreciation is usually the easiest... focus on that, if it's helpful use an image, or a memory of being in nature.

4. Notice how your heart rhythm has slowed down, and how you feel more centred and grounded.  

This exercise has a direct impact on your Autonomic Nervous System (ANS) and will stop the secretion of the stress hormones, cortisol and adrenalin and realise the hormone DHEA, which is the vitality hormone.  The more frequently you practice this exercise, the more resilience you will build up in your body and mind.  It will have a direct impact on your emotional wellbeing.

If you have any questions that you need answered, then please comment below.

Love

Maxine x

Are you sick’n’tired of your divorce situation?

The first turning point of my divorce journey was when I decided to accept the reality of my situation.

Six months after my husband had left to live with his girlfriend, he was looking after the children and I begged him to come home. I must have triggered his guilt, or so I thought as he returned to the family home. Four days later he moved out, and I discovered the only reason he came back was because his girlfriend had thrown him out as he had also cheated on her.

It was ten days before Christmas and it was my lowest point. I was sick and tired of the whole situation!  I was skinny, if I wasn’t so unhappy I would have celebrated how much weight I had lost, but in truth, I was nauseous all the time and couldn’t eat. I was devastated, anxious and had lost the will to live. I couldn’t believe the man who had once loved me so much could be so callous and selfish. In my heart, I knew it was only me who could change the way I was feeling and if I wanted 2011 to be any different, I had to choose to it.

I was devastated, anxious and had lost the will to live. I couldn’t believe the man who had once loved me so much could be so callous and selfish. In my heart, I knew it was only me who could change the way I was feeling and if I wanted 2011 to be any different, I had to choose to it.

I couldn’t change my  Ex’s mind or my situation, I had to change my thinking.

In the midst of my angst, I decided to accept my reality, he was not coming back and I had to move on. I knew I didn’t want to start the New Year depressed and anxious. I wanted to feel different.

So here’s the good bit… You don’t have to wait for a New Year to choose to change your thinking,, you just need to get to the point where you’re sick and tired of your creality and choose to accept it.  It will be a tmajor turning point in your journey.

Here’s what you can do…

I have always kept a journal and I started to write…

I’m sick and tired of you behaving like a child…

I’m sick and tired of supporting you emotionally…

I’m sick and tired of your abrupt attitude…

I’m sick and tired of you being a crap inconsistent father…

I’m sick and tired of your lies…

The list went on, I wrote over 200 “sick ‘n’ tired” statements. I let it all out and I realised I was ready to let go of him.

I then wrote another list…

It was the list of what I would love in my life for me and my children and I worked with my intuition on what I truly wanted, it was a rock solid family. I wrote a vision of what that looked like, what we would do and how I would be with my kids and I chose to focus on that.

Power comes from making a choice to accept what is, and in choosing a true vision for you and your family.

You can listen to my Sick’n’Tired Podcast on soundcloud.

If you would love help with writing your list or you want to post some of your “sick ‘n’Tired” in the comments below then we would love to support you on your journey. PS. You don’t need to share your list with your Ex.

With love

Maxine page sign off

Changing Your Divorce Story: From Fear To Love

The thing with divorce, is it catapults you into massive uncertainty and fear.  Everything you knew to be true is no longer the same, you find yourself questioning everything and feeling as if you know nothing.  The uncertainty about your partner, your life, your home, your kids and your finances is all too much, and your conversation with yourself and others becomes one of fear.

One of the biggest challenges anyone faces (myself included) at the beginning of divorce is how to change the story from fear to love. Fear creates a constant and never ending assault on your thoughts and feelings. You find yourself going around in the “crazy 8 loop”, a place of no beginning and no ending. It starts with a thought, “Where will I live?” which leads to “How will I support myself?” to “Why did he leave?” and then it’s “what did I do wrong?” to “I should have been more patient”. The thoughts become one long chain reaction and you’re yourself locked in self-doubt, self-criticism and feelings of unworthiness.

Does it have to be this way?  What if we replaced fear with love? It’s hard to believe you can especially when you are in the process of divorce.

When coaching clients I help them to understand how FOCUS exacerbates pain and fear.  Whatever you focus on expands, if you focus on fear, life get scarier, if you focus on loss, you feel sadness.  If you focus on the lack of love, you experience the lack of love. If you believe you experience love as a result of your “significant other” and they are no longer there, then love becomes unavailable to you.

It’s not true though, people can be a catalyst for love, however, the love you feel comes from within, it’s your natural state of being and it’s who you really are. You are an infinite source of divine love and all healing comes from love. In order to heal your divorce, you have to connect to the love within you.

Imagine if you were to focus on the love in your heart on a daily basis and you began to feel happier, lighter and more able to deal with your divorce, wouldn’t that be better than pain and suffering? I am not talking about denying your feelings of sadness, however, I am suggesting you choose to alleviate your fear by connecting to love, the love within you.

One of the easiest ways to shift from fear to love is to begin to find small things to be grateful for, to appreciate yourself, to be kind to yourself, and choosing to feel love for yourself no matter what. You can listen to a powerful “Connected Heart” meditation below.  When you shift your focus to love, and connect to your real power, you activate your own healing.

With love

Maxine page sign off

 

 

“I’D RATHER DIE THAN BE DIVORCED”

Can Divorce Give You A Heart Attack?

My new client shouted out the words, “I’d rather die than be divorced!”

The woman in her early 50s was beautifully dressed, attractive and carried an air of confidence that comes with someone of her years. I studied her face as she continued, “I just can’t bear the pain, my heart is breaking”.

Her words were so apt: the physical pain of heartbreak is very real. In a post on the American Heart Association’s website, “Is Broken Heart Syndrome Real”, the author states:

“Broken heart syndrome, also called stress-induced cardiomyopathy or takotsubo cardiomyopathy, can strike even if you’re healthy…Women are more likely than men to experience the sudden, intense chest pain — the reaction to a surge of stress hormones — that can be caused by an emotionally stressful event. It could be the death of a loved one or even a divorce, breakup or physical separation, betrayal or romantic rejection.”

If the shock of a break-up can induce broken heart syndrome, where a part of the heart temporarily enlarges and pumps differently than usual, it is reasonable to suggest that when a person says their “heart is broken” it is a true and real experience for them.

In my years of working with people, I have come to understand heartbreak to be a “Crisis of the Heart” where spiritually the heart “cracks open” in order to allow us to love even more deeply. During heartbreak, we are challenged to fully open our hearts in order to allow us to experience a deeper layer of intimacy with ourselves and others.  It is the crisis itself which opens us up to a re-connection with ourselves, our self-expression and the truth of our soul.

More often than not, as the layers peel away, a crisis of the heart will reveal a necessary reflection of the deep disconnection many of us have within ourselves. It can be difficult to see and to be honest about this disconnection; yet when we do, the gifts received are immeasurable.

So the real challenge is “Do you choose to sit down and die? Or do you choose to embrace the pain, be vulnerable and look deeper into the depth of your soul?”

In other words: do you connect to your real truth? 

This was the question my client had to face…

If we fight the “crisis of the heart” by closing down our hearts we prolong our suffering, we create emotional, physical and mental blockages which impact our healing and our health. The challenge with closing our heart is that we disconnect even more from our flow of love and our spiritual energy.  Every crisis of the heart is an invitation to crack ourselves open and connect at a deeper level to the love within ourselves and to share this love with others.  Heartbreak and suffering are often seen as an opportunity to validate, justify and vindicate ourselves, to apportion blame and shame others in regards to their behaviours.

What, though, if this crisis of the heart was seen as an opportunity to take responsibility for ourselves and our well-being, and instead of buying into our fears, we embraced our crisis and connected to our hearts and opened ourselves up to the infinite source of love within us. The sooner we do this, the less we suffer and the crisis will pass.

With love

Maxine page sign off