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maxineclancy.com

Divorce Coaching and Support

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marriage

October 5, 2020

How Well Are You Loving Yourself?

There wasn't much handholding in our decorating days!

Loving others isn't always easy, we so often get caught up in conflicting emotions, from being madly in love to feeling cross that our needs haven't been met. 

In the past, I was constantly saying "What about me? Why doesn't anyone care?" that was years ago, when I was stuck in victim thinking, feeling like my partner was against me and that no one noticed my struggles.

The thing is, we learn how to love and care for ourselves from our parents, and whilst my parents showered us with lots of love, my mum did everything for everyone!! She hardly ever said no or put her needs first. Of course she learned that from her mother and I learned to do the same.

In my first marriage, I would overcompensate because I felt unworthy, it was exhausting!

One time, we were decorating our home. I was working full-time, training as a psychotherapist with an additional 10 hours of client work each week. I wanted to be the best wife, friend, sister, daughter, you name it... at the time, my then hubby wasn't working.

On one particular evening, I came home, tired and he asked me to help him sand down the wooden skirting boards - I mean seriously!!! Inside I was "You've got to be kidding me!!!" BUT I didn't have the courage to say no!

I remember sitting on the floor, peeling off the layers of paint, suppressing my anger and fighting back the tears deep inside. I wanted him to notice my suffering, to say... "Sweetheart, you look tired, go have a bath!" - of course he didn't and I was resentful. That doesn't make for a happy marriage or a healthy sex life.

Thank heavens I've learned to speak up, express my needs, and ask for help.​

So what did you learn about loving and taking care of yourself as you were growing up?

Do you people please? Saying yes, when you want to say no and then resent others?
Do you over-commit because you feel you're not enough?
Are you unapproachable, a little prickly? perhaps so people stay away and you don't have to face rejection?
May be you're self-blaming and overly responsible, believing everything's your fault?

In childhood, we have needs that go unmet, not because our parents are bad, but because our minds are undeveloped and we don't have the skills or capacities to express ourselves clearly. Our ego then gives meaning to EVERYTHING, and we internalise our feelings often in a disempowering way. In my program Rise Up, Be Free, Be You I show you how to break free from negative and false programming so you can discover your most radiant self, and rise up in love and be free to be YOU! New program starts 5th NOVEMBER

I'd love for you to join me. If you want to chat with me about this program, then drop me an email or schedule a free discovery call.

Love

Conscious Break-Up, Divorce, Happy Healthy Love, Relationships Tagged: divorce, inner child, marriage, mother bond, needs, parenting ourselves, unmet needs

April 29, 2016

Are you sick’n’tired of your divorce situation?

The first turning point of my divorce journey was when I decided to accept the reality of my situation.

Six months after my husband had left to live with his girlfriend, he was looking after the children and I begged him to come home. I must have triggered his guilt, or so I thought as he returned to the family home. Four days later he moved out, and I discovered the only reason he came back was because his girlfriend had thrown him out as he had also cheated on her.

It was ten days before Christmas and it was my lowest point. I was sick and tired of the whole situation!  I was skinny, if I wasn’t so unhappy I would have celebrated how much weight I had lost, but in truth, I was nauseous all the time and couldn’t eat. I was devastated, anxious and had lost the will to live. I couldn’t believe the man who had once loved me so much could be so callous and selfish. In my heart, I knew it was only me who could change the way I was feeling and if I wanted 2011 to be any different, I had to choose to it.

I was devastated, anxious and had lost the will to live. I couldn’t believe the man who had once loved me so much could be so callous and selfish. In my heart, I knew it was only me who could change the way I was feeling and if I wanted 2011 to be any different, I had to choose to it.

I couldn’t change my  Ex’s mind or my situation, I had to change my thinking.

In the midst of my angst, I decided to accept my reality, he was not coming back and I had to move on. I knew I didn’t want to start the New Year depressed and anxious. I wanted to feel different.

So here’s the good bit… You don’t have to wait for a New Year to choose to change your thinking,, you just need to get to the point where you’re sick and tired of your creality and choose to accept it.  It will be a tmajor turning point in your journey.

Here’s what you can do…

I have always kept a journal and I started to write…

I’m sick and tired of you behaving like a child…

I’m sick and tired of supporting you emotionally…

I’m sick and tired of your abrupt attitude…

I’m sick and tired of you being a crap inconsistent father…

I’m sick and tired of your lies…

The list went on, I wrote over 200 “sick ‘n’ tired” statements. I let it all out and I realised I was ready to let go of him.

I then wrote another list…

It was the list of what I would love in my life for me and my children and I worked with my intuition on what I truly wanted, it was a rock solid family. I wrote a vision of what that looked like, what we would do and how I would be with my kids and I chose to focus on that.

Power comes from making a choice to accept what is, and in choosing a true vision for you and your family.

You can listen to my Sick’n’Tired Podcast on soundcloud.

If you would love help with writing your list or you want to post some of your “sick ‘n’Tired” in the comments below then we would love to support you on your journey. PS. You don’t need to share your list with your Ex.

With love

Maxine page sign off

Conscious Break-Up, Divorce Tagged: affair, breakup, crisis, divorce, heartache, husband, marriage, power, relationships, sick'n'tired

April 24, 2016

“I’D RATHER DIE THAN BE DIVORCED”

Can Divorce Give You A Heart Attack?

My new client shouted out the words, “I’d rather die than be divorced!”

The woman in her early 50s was beautifully dressed, attractive and carried an air of confidence that comes with someone of her years. I studied her face as she continued, “I just can’t bear the pain, my heart is breaking”.

Her words were so apt: the physical pain of heartbreak is very real. In a post on the American Heart Association’s website, “Is Broken Heart Syndrome Real”, the author states:

“Broken heart syndrome, also called stress-induced cardiomyopathy or takotsubo cardiomyopathy, can strike even if you’re healthy…Women are more likely than men to experience the sudden, intense chest pain — the reaction to a surge of stress hormones — that can be caused by an emotionally stressful event. It could be the death of a loved one or even a divorce, breakup or physical separation, betrayal or romantic rejection.”

If the shock of a break-up can induce broken heart syndrome, where a part of the heart temporarily enlarges and pumps differently than usual, it is reasonable to suggest that when a person says their “heart is broken” it is a true and real experience for them.

In my years of working with people, I have come to understand heartbreak to be a “Crisis of the Heart” where spiritually the heart “cracks open” in order to allow us to love even more deeply. During heartbreak, we are challenged to fully open our hearts in order to allow us to experience a deeper layer of intimacy with ourselves and others.  It is the crisis itself which opens us up to a re-connection with ourselves, our self-expression and the truth of our soul.

More often than not, as the layers peel away, a crisis of the heart will reveal a necessary reflection of the deep disconnection many of us have within ourselves. It can be difficult to see and to be honest about this disconnection; yet when we do, the gifts received are immeasurable.

So the real challenge is “Do you choose to sit down and die? Or do you choose to embrace the pain, be vulnerable and look deeper into the depth of your soul?”

In other words: do you connect to your real truth? 

This was the question my client had to face…

If we fight the “crisis of the heart” by closing down our hearts we prolong our suffering, we create emotional, physical and mental blockages which impact our healing and our health. The challenge with closing our heart is that we disconnect even more from our flow of love and our spiritual energy.  Every crisis of the heart is an invitation to crack ourselves open and connect at a deeper level to the love within ourselves and to share this love with others.  Heartbreak and suffering are often seen as an opportunity to validate, justify and vindicate ourselves, to apportion blame and shame others in regards to their behaviours.

What, though, if this crisis of the heart was seen as an opportunity to take responsibility for ourselves and our well-being, and instead of buying into our fears, we embraced our crisis and connected to our hearts and opened ourselves up to the infinite source of love within us. The sooner we do this, the less we suffer and the crisis will pass.

With love

Maxine page sign off

Conscious Break-Up, Divorce Tagged: breakup, conscious breakup, conscious uncoupling, divorce, heartache, heartbreak, love, marriage, relationships

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Maxine Clancy

Maxine Clancy

I'm very blessed to have navigated two divorces in a healthy conscious way. I absolutely love to help others to do the same and to find love too. When I'm not coaching I love spending time with my teenage children, sailing with my fiancé, practicing meditation, kundalini yoga, playing with art and getting out in nature!

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