Divorce Coaching and Support
It's an absolute privilege to be a contributor on Thrive Global where I am sharing my thoughts on the 5 People You Must Have In Your Divorce Corner.
I know when I was going through my divorce, I often felt stuck about who to talk to, I didn't want to burden my family and friends. I often felt that no one understood me. If I had known what I share in this post, it would have been really helpful. You can read my full blog post here.
Enjoy!
Maxine xx
Freestocks © on Unsplash
If you’re single and the four months in lockdown made you realise you wanted to do something about it, then with all the noise online at the moment, you have to make sure your dating profile gets the right attention, let’s face it no one wants to go on a 100 first dates!
Most people find it hard to talk about themselves, let alone write a dating profile that’s an effortless combination of singing your praises, intrigue, playfulness, humility, and ultimately says ‘You’d be an absolute fool not to go on a date with me!” Often, you can write a profile that doesn’t sound like yourself and definitely doesn’t stand out and attract the partner your heart desires!
Here are three common mistakes that it’s easy to make, ESPECIALLY if you’re new to online dating!
Statements such as “I love travelling, I love my work” say absolutely nothing about you, everyone loves travelling! In your dating profile, you need to be more specific. What specifically do you love about travelling or your work?
Can you write about it in such a way that the person who’s reading your profile actually wants to go travelling with you?
TIP: You might swap ‘I love traveling” to… When I was in Peru I trekked up Machu Picchu and was mesmerized by the way the light fell on the mountains, I wished I had my paints with me so I could capture it forever.
The other swap might be… I’m so passionate about my work, I feel like a proud parent when my clients get their breakthroughs and reach their dreams.
In both these statements, the person gets a glimpse of who you are and gets to feel what you’re about… and that’s what people want, they want to FEEL… if your profile doesn’t evoke any emotion, then they’re going to pass you by.
First impressions count! Especially if you’re on an online app, and it’s a swipe left or right scenario! Does your profile photo express who you are?
I recently asked a new client to send me her online photos as she wasn’t having any luck. When I looked at the 5 photos she sent to me, in three of them (including her main pic) she had sunglasses on. You couldn’t see her eyes. It was as if she was hiding and she wasn’t open to revealing herself (and possibly her heart).
There was no energy in her pictures at all, and this woman was vibrant, full of fun, and loves life. You want your energy and vibration to come across in your dating profile, your energy is magnetic and will pull your partner towards you.
TIP: You want to have a combination of photos. Your profile needs to be a photo that shows your face clearly, that expresses your essence or a flavour of what you’re about. You want this picture to be inviting. The other pictures can be a mixture of full body (with your clothes on) and you doing things you love, sports, with your pets, walking… whatever it is that rocks your boat and says something about you. If you have professional photos that reflect who you are, then it’s okay to add them too.
Of course, you’re completely unaware you’re doing this and it can stem from an unconscious belief that you don’t think you’re going to find love. In an attempt to override this; you’re not specific about the type of relationship or person you truly want to attract. It’s what I call the FOMO approach!
TIP: You have to have a vision for your relationship and what it feels like to be in partnership with this person, the qualities they have that you are drawn to. It might sound a bit like this;
“I’d love to meet a man who’s confident and happy in his own skin, who’s ready to share life’s daring adventure, who appreciates the beauty in life and who’s generous with his heart and open for connection and laughter”
Or if your personality is a bit cheeky you might say. “I’m looking for a man with a big heart who knows when to put his phone down and kiss me….”
You want to get the attention of one person, the one who reads your profile and it lights up his/her heart and captures their interest.
Dating can be a number’s game, but it doesn’t have to be, you have to first clear any inner blocks to love, create a vision for love and pour energy and attention into magnetizing love towards you.
Make it fun, make it playful, if it’s not, work with a coach who can support you to make the inner shifts.
With love
Arhh and things were never the same again...
We've had so much change lately what with Covid-19, lockdown and numerous restrictions to our every day lives, it got me thinking about when I gave birth to my first child, my son, Daniel and how life was never the same again.
When you're pregnant you hear loads of stories about the awful things that can happen during labour, it engenders so much fear that I wonder why anyone would ever get pregnant, let alone do it more than once.
Here's three lessons I learned when I had Dan that have served me well in all areas of my life, whether it's been raising my children, starting a business, getting divorced, a new relationship, moving countries or dealing with unexpected circumstances.
Be more flexible
I might add, that's not me in the photo!!! When you're expecting, there's this thing called the BIRTH PLAN, and it lists out all the things you want, like epidural, gas and air and in my case, it was a water birth, no drugs, lots of candles, music and my partner.
In reality.... I was induced, which was excruciatingly painful!! The doctor also broke my waters for me - definitely not nice! In the end I had to have gas and air and an epidural!! I then spent two hours pushing my son out (I think he was warm and cosy and didn't want to come out) - a total of 36 hours in labour!!
So yes, it's important to have a plan, whether it's your life plan, wedding plan, holiday plan... and above all else, be flexible with it, listen to your intuition and don't be afraid to change the plan, if you change your mind or if what you previously thought you wanted is no longer going to serve your highest good.
I know it might seem obvious... AND BREATHE
Breathe and be with every moment... When we're anxious or fearful, we tend to hold our breath, and holding our breath stops the flow of energy in our body. We are made of energy and I like to think of emotion as energy that moves through us that attach meaning and thoughts to.
As we go through life emotions get stuck in our bodies. When we become present to our emotions, name them and breathe through them, the energy and emotions move through us and we shift the energy.
You have the power to shift your emotions through the way you breathe
Allow yourself to feel bliss
There is this wonderful moment when the baby pops out of your lady parts, when you get hit with a rush of oxytocin and every thing feels amazing. I mean honestly it's such a relief that the baby is out, so it is going to feel good but this is quite indescribably amazing!
Here's what it taught me, so often in life we strive to reach a goal or create an amazing result, and we forget to experience the bliss, we quickly move on to the next thing, in a rush to get somewhere else.
Giving birth taught me to enjoy my creations, to savour the moment and be present to what is happening right here, right now.
So in conclusion, life will never be the same again, whether it's after having a child, getting married, dealing with the impact of Covid or simply because each and every day you are evolving, growing and becoming more of who you truly are.
It's been 18 years and 4 months since I gave birth to my son and so much has changed in my life. I married his father, and divorced him 10 years later, I was a single mum (to two) and now I'm engaged again and crazily in love.
So many moments of flexibility, breathing with and
through life and feeling my bliss, thank you
With love
Photo Credits and Thanks: Top Image To Bottom
Kalea Jerielle, Petr Ruzicka, Max van den Oetelaar, Eric Froehling - Unsplash
This most definitely has been my worst August in a long time, not only did I have to cancel my summer holiday, even more devastatingly I had that 4am phone call that every parent dreads...
My son had been admitted to A&E after jumping off a wall and not realising it had a 15ft drop!!!
I rushed with my ex-husband and daughter to the hospital, whilst driving I was silently praying to God to keep him safe, and let him live.
I wasn't sure if I was being over dramatic, but with the very limited information given to us, I was afraid he was going to be in a coma, have brain damage or be paralysed in some way.
Needless to say, when we arrived at the hospital I panicked that they wouldn't let us in, but fortunately they did...
To cut a long story short, considering the situation, it was a miracle that he had no life threatening injuries and despite needing an operation and some fractures, he would mend. Of which I am glad to say a month later, he is almost fully recovered.
Shock & trauma is a funny thing though...
The 3 am phone call and the shock of seeing him so battered, bruised, and vulnerable sent my body into a trauma response. I was in survival mode for at least two weeks afterward.
I managed to maintain my meditation, and coherent breathing practices but my daily yoga and healthy eating went completely out of the window.
I drank far too much coffee and even though I know what my body needs to feel good, in the stress of everything, I opted for comfort and security and now my body feels exhausted and lacklustre.
WHICH DOESN"T SURPRISE ME... that's my default setting.
My ego always seeks security and as a double whammy when I'm faced with any type of trauma, shock, or uninvited change I tend to go into massive denial and IGNORE what my Soul knows is best for me.
Am I the only person that does this?
NO... I bet you do too. We so often ignore the prompts that our highest self gives us!!
Well, it struck me as I've been walking my dog in the mornings that I need a mind/body REBOOT!!! and what better time than Autumn!
I've always loved Autumn, the leaves forming a blanket on the ground of red, orange and yellow. Clear blue skies, and long walks. So like the leaves, I thought it was the perfect time to let go of this stagnant energy and anything else that's not serving me.
Here's My Journal Prompts
to Reboot Energy & Focus
I took time to meditate and journal on these questions:
What do you most want to create in the next four months?
Who would you become if you had that creation in your life?
What are you currently doing that's not serving you?
What do you need to let go of to be living your most radiant life?
Here's what I came up with:
* What I want to create most is energy and vitality in my body
* To finish my book so I can share my love and wisdom around how to heal and have a conscious loving divorce
* I need to let go of coffee and sugar
So I'm going to pour my love and energy into:
* Getting back into my yoga practices, I'm doing a 40-day nabhi kriya
* I'm doing a 40-day mono eating plan (your body needs less energy to digest food)
* I'm completing my book, with 3 hour writing sessions each day.
I thoroughly urge you to use the momentum of Autumn and the above questions to help you reboot your life with new autumn cheer, energy and focus.
With love
The first turning point of my divorce journey was when I decided to accept the reality of my situation.
Six months after my husband had left to live with his girlfriend, he was looking after the children and I begged him to come home. I must have triggered his guilt, or so I thought as he returned to the family home. Four days later he moved out, and I discovered the only reason he came back was because his girlfriend had thrown him out as he had also cheated on her.
It was ten days before Christmas and it was my lowest point. I was sick and tired of the whole situation! I was skinny, if I wasn’t so unhappy I would have celebrated how much weight I had lost, but in truth, I was nauseous all the time and couldn’t eat. I was devastated, anxious and had lost the will to live. I couldn’t believe the man who had once loved me so much could be so callous and selfish. In my heart, I knew it was only me who could change the way I was feeling and if I wanted 2011 to be any different, I had to choose to it.
I was devastated, anxious and had lost the will to live. I couldn’t believe the man who had once loved me so much could be so callous and selfish. In my heart, I knew it was only me who could change the way I was feeling and if I wanted 2011 to be any different, I had to choose to it.
I couldn’t change my Ex’s mind or my situation, I had to change my thinking.
In the midst of my angst, I decided to accept my reality, he was not coming back and I had to move on. I knew I didn’t want to start the New Year depressed and anxious. I wanted to feel different.
So here’s the good bit… You don’t have to wait for a New Year to choose to change your thinking,, you just need to get to the point where you’re sick and tired of your creality and choose to accept it. It will be a tmajor turning point in your journey.
Here’s what you can do…
I have always kept a journal and I started to write…
I’m sick and tired of you behaving like a child…
I’m sick and tired of supporting you emotionally…
I’m sick and tired of your abrupt attitude…
I’m sick and tired of you being a crap inconsistent father…
I’m sick and tired of your lies…
The list went on, I wrote over 200 “sick ‘n’ tired” statements. I let it all out and I realised I was ready to let go of him.
I then wrote another list…
It was the list of what I would love in my life for me and my children and I worked with my intuition on what I truly wanted, it was a rock solid family. I wrote a vision of what that looked like, what we would do and how I would be with my kids and I chose to focus on that.
Power comes from making a choice to accept what is, and in choosing a true vision for you and your family.
You can listen to my Sick’n’Tired Podcast on soundcloud.
If you would love help with writing your list or you want to post some of your “sick ‘n’Tired” in the comments below then we would love to support you on your journey. PS. You don’t need to share your list with your Ex.
With love
The thing with divorce, is it catapults you into massive uncertainty and fear. Everything you knew to be true is no longer the same, you find yourself questioning everything and feeling as if you know nothing. The uncertainty about your partner, your life, your home, your kids and your finances is all too much, and your conversation with yourself and others becomes one of fear.
One of the biggest challenges anyone faces (myself included) at the beginning of divorce is how to change the story from fear to love. Fear creates a constant and never ending assault on your thoughts and feelings. You find yourself going around in the “crazy 8 loop”, a place of no beginning and no ending. It starts with a thought, “Where will I live?” which leads to “How will I support myself?” to “Why did he leave?” and then it’s “what did I do wrong?” to “I should have been more patient”. The thoughts become one long chain reaction and you’re yourself locked in self-doubt, self-criticism and feelings of unworthiness.
Does it have to be this way? What if we replaced fear with love? It’s hard to believe you can especially when you are in the process of divorce.
When coaching clients I help them to understand how FOCUS exacerbates pain and fear. Whatever you focus on expands, if you focus on fear, life get scarier, if you focus on loss, you feel sadness. If you focus on the lack of love, you experience the lack of love. If you believe you experience love as a result of your “significant other” and they are no longer there, then love becomes unavailable to you.
It’s not true though, people can be a catalyst for love, however, the love you feel comes from within, it’s your natural state of being and it’s who you really are. You are an infinite source of divine love and all healing comes from love. In order to heal your divorce, you have to connect to the love within you.
Imagine if you were to focus on the love in your heart on a daily basis and you began to feel happier, lighter and more able to deal with your divorce, wouldn’t that be better than pain and suffering? I am not talking about denying your feelings of sadness, however, I am suggesting you choose to alleviate your fear by connecting to love, the love within you.
One of the easiest ways to shift from fear to love is to begin to find small things to be grateful for, to appreciate yourself, to be kind to yourself, and choosing to feel love for yourself no matter what. You can listen to a powerful “Connected Heart” meditation below. When you shift your focus to love, and connect to your real power, you activate your own healing.
With love
Can Divorce Give You A Heart Attack?
My new client shouted out the words, “I’d rather die than be divorced!”
The woman in her early 50s was beautifully dressed, attractive and carried an air of confidence that comes with someone of her years. I studied her face as she continued, “I just can’t bear the pain, my heart is breaking”.
Her words were so apt: the physical pain of heartbreak is very real. In a post on the American Heart Association’s website, “Is Broken Heart Syndrome Real”, the author states:
“Broken heart syndrome, also called stress-induced cardiomyopathy or takotsubo cardiomyopathy, can strike even if you’re healthy…Women are more likely than men to experience the sudden, intense chest pain — the reaction to a surge of stress hormones — that can be caused by an emotionally stressful event. It could be the death of a loved one or even a divorce, breakup or physical separation, betrayal or romantic rejection.”
If the shock of a break-up can induce broken heart syndrome, where a part of the heart temporarily enlarges and pumps differently than usual, it is reasonable to suggest that when a person says their “heart is broken” it is a true and real experience for them.
In my years of working with people, I have come to understand heartbreak to be a “Crisis of the Heart” where spiritually the heart “cracks open” in order to allow us to love even more deeply. During heartbreak, we are challenged to fully open our hearts in order to allow us to experience a deeper layer of intimacy with ourselves and others. It is the crisis itself which opens us up to a re-connection with ourselves, our self-expression and the truth of our soul.
More often than not, as the layers peel away, a crisis of the heart will reveal a necessary reflection of the deep disconnection many of us have within ourselves. It can be difficult to see and to be honest about this disconnection; yet when we do, the gifts received are immeasurable.
So the real challenge is “Do you choose to sit down and die? Or do you choose to embrace the pain, be vulnerable and look deeper into the depth of your soul?”
In other words: do you connect to your real truth?
This was the question my client had to face…
If we fight the “crisis of the heart” by closing down our hearts we prolong our suffering, we create emotional, physical and mental blockages which impact our healing and our health. The challenge with closing our heart is that we disconnect even more from our flow of love and our spiritual energy. Every crisis of the heart is an invitation to crack ourselves open and connect at a deeper level to the love within ourselves and to share this love with others. Heartbreak and suffering are often seen as an opportunity to validate, justify and vindicate ourselves, to apportion blame and shame others in regards to their behaviours.
What, though, if this crisis of the heart was seen as an opportunity to take responsibility for ourselves and our well-being, and instead of buying into our fears, we embraced our crisis and connected to our hearts and opened ourselves up to the infinite source of love within us. The sooner we do this, the less we suffer and the crisis will pass.
With love
