0 5 Steps To Detox Your Ex

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You might be asking;
“Is it possible to positively flush out my Ex in 5 steps?”

In the spirit of keeping it real, it’s definitely possible, but not always easy. To be honest it takes a genuine desire to honour yourself and the relationship you had, a brave heart and a large dose of generosity. The rewards though, are immeasurable, especially if you have children.

Six months into my separation, I was at my lowest. It was the week between Christmas and New year and I was having panic attacks about the future. I was full of despair and at the same time I didn’t want to start the new year feeling this way. Inherently I knew I had to take charge of my healing. It was a pivotal moment, choosing not to be a victim of my circumstances helped me turn everything around and it can for you too.

The popular myth “time heals” is full of BS, time passes but it doesn’t automatically heal.

I’m sure like me, you’ve had a friend who got divorced and never got over it, even after 5 or 10 years. In my experience, it’s the choices you make and specifically the choice to heal, that will give you the emotional freedom you crave. The moment I decided to take charge of my own healing was the moment that everything changed for me.

As a coach, I know relationships are an inside-out job, and by that, I mean we are co-creating with life through our thoughts and feelings, our external world is a reflection of our inner world.

At some level I knew I had unconsciously co-created these circumstances for some inner healing of a childhood wound. Where had I given my power away in my relationship and what did I need to take responsibility for?

This is such a powerful questions as we’re used to blaming others, especially when we’ve been hurt. However, there’s a huge gift in taking responsibility, as you get to reclaim your power and you discover life doesn’t happen to you, it happens through you. (As my mentor Katherine Woodward Thomas likes to say).

We’re so used to clinging onto things, people, relationships, (stuff) and I desperately wanted to cling on to my marriage for safety. I was madly in love when I found out about his affair and I didn’t want a divorce as I believed our love was way bigger than our problems. Yet you can’t make someone work at a relationship if they don’t want to. I had to choose to accept his decision and let him go.

The thing that so often stops us is the fear of the unknown, the fear of being alone forever (will I ever be loved again), fear of stepping out into the world as a single person. Our pain and suffering can be a trusty companion compared to the uncertainty of the future.

Yet it’s through acceptance and letting go that we get to move forward.

“We must be willing to get rid of the life we've planned, 
so as to have the life that is waiting for us” – Joseph Campbell

Forgiveness is ONE of the keys to healing, the others are love, compassion and appreciation. Often what blocks forgiveness is the fear that if we forgive we are condoning the other person’s behaviour or invalidating our suffering. This is far from the truth. I like to see forgiveness as a “selfish blessing” because when we practice it, we receive the benefits. If you don’t forgive its very likely you’ll end up bitter, angry or resentful. This impacts your ability to have happy healthy love going forward and is hugely detrimental to your health and wellbeing.

After making the choice to let the marriage go I had to practice forgiveness hourly, and on some days when my buttons were pushed it was every ten minutes !!! (I’m a person, not a saint)!!

This really is the fun bit! You have to create a new vision for your life, just like the Joseph Campbell quote, there is a life waiting for you. One that can be even greater than the one you previously had and that’s because you get to take the gold from your heartache and the richness soften your heart some, making you a wiser, more generous and compassionate person.

I do believe everything in my life has made me the person I am today, and my greatest heartaches have also given me great gifts. I re-discovered my creativity and intuition after my breakup, wrote a children’s book and created the Divorce Detox, an online transformational course for women.

So, in this last step give yourself the gifts your divorce and heartache brings you… trust me, there’s always gifts if you choose to find them.

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0 Leapfrog Dating: Is it working for you?

What's LEAP FROG dating?
Does it help you get more clarity on what you want
or make you more confused than ever?

We all have a friend or know a friend's friend who is a leap frog dater, someone who jumps from relationship to relationship, often in search of love or “finding the one”! 

Leap frog dating is different from rebound dating where someone dates quickly when a long term relationship ends, often falling head over heels in love with the first person they meet in an attempt to avoid the break-up pain. In a rebound relationship, there's a tendency to want to replace the love and intimacy from the previous relationship and to not have to deal with the emotional pain of the break-up.

The signs of a leap frog dater are different, in that the leap-frogger is constantly moving from relationship to relationship with the relationships only lasting for two to four months. The leap frogger always removes themselves at the point where they start to see qualities in the other person they dislike and/or the relationship becomes challenging. The leap frogger takes very little time in between relationships, sometimes joining dating websites or apps within days or hours of the previous relationship breaking up.

That moment in Jerry Maguire... when he says "You complete me"

The leap frogger is unconsciously searching “to complete” themselves

They're seeking out the “perfect” partner who has the qualities they don’t think they have within themselves, ie. Looking for someone to take care of you financially when you don’t believe you can support yourself or seeking someone who's outgoing and social when you’re uncomfortable about socialising and making friends.

Often what happens, is they believe they've met the “perfect” man or woman, they see them as special and someone who could be the “One”.  Of course, this is lopsided as at the beginning of a relationship we tend to have a one-sided view of the person. We only see the good points or we tend to be “blinded” about someone’s personality as we're fixated on falling in love or being part of a couple. In our lopsided view of the person, we fall in love and everything's great, in our minds eye we see them as perfect long-term partners.

As the leap frogger reaches the third or fourth month, the illusion starts to drop and they begin to see all aspects of their new partner. Previously endearing qualities become annoying and irritation sets in as they see their partner’s previous adoration or attentiveness as being needy and their desire to please as overbearing and claustrophobic.

The perfect partner is now not so perfect as the leap-frogger starts to focus on the disliked qualities, which expand and magnify and become issues of huge discontent. 

Suddenly this person is not quite
what we’re looking for.

So the leap frogger at this point has a tendency to bail.

Instead of seeing and accepting the whole person, they start to zone in on the negative aspects and get caught in oscillating between the parts they love about them and the parts they dislike, they're caught up in the polarities of someone’s personality rather than focusing on the “whole” aspect of their being. The relationship is mirroring back to the leap frogger the aspects of themselves they need to embrace and own. When the leap frogger does this wholly and completely they'll no longer find these traits unacceptable in others, they may even begin to see the benefits of these traits.

So the true benefit of leap frogging is
when it's done consciously,
as a way of healing your incompleteness.

If you seek to understand and embrace the traits you dislike and find unacceptable in others. By seeing each relationship experience in its totality, choosing to learn from the relationship and not just “leap” at the first sign of discomfort, you can grow.

When you notice something you don’t like about the person you’re dating, instead of moaning and complaining about it, ask yourself;

“When do I display this trait?”

“How does it show up in my life?”

In asking these questions, you begin to own the displaced parts of yourself and the relationship becomes a place to heal. If you stick with it and are open to being vulnerable and honest with yourself you begin to feel more complete. In doing so, over time, you'll stop seeking to complete yourself externally, but feel whole from within.  PLUS you won't have to keep leap-frogging!!

0 Fighting with your Ex? Join the 5 Day Challenge

0 Kiss The Single Life Goodbye

New Year’s Eve 2017…. who will you be kissing?

Yes, I know, I’ve been there, it’s midnight and you have no one to kiss… all the couples in the room are finding each other, hugging, smooching and more than ever you feel alone and single…. well enough is enough…it’s time to shake it all up and move on… “the past does not equal the future, unless you live there”...Tony Robbins said that.

Did you say to yourself on January 1st, “That’s it, I am going to find love this year?” if you did, then I’m here to help…

In fact, my number one intention for 2017 is to help 10,000 people have a transformation in love.

What do I mean by that?  I want the people I work with to have a deep awakening to the love within themselves and in their ability to create sustainable loving relationships with others.  My message is simple, it’s all about happy healthy love, if you don’t have that for yourself, it will be impossible to have with another.

So what is happy healthy love and how do you create it?  For me, happy healthy love is about living as your highest, truest expression of love in the world. It’s an expansive way of being. Where you are not only loving your mate or your family. It’s about being present to the deep source of love that’s within you and allowing that love to be expressed outwardly in what you do, how you spend your time and how you show up in the world, it’s a way of relating to yourself and others.  When happy healthy love is your north star it allows you to navigate your relationships from a higher perspective. It opens you up to a whole new way of being. One that’s deeply rewarding and fulfilling.

Unfortunately, many people fall into negative and dysfunctional relationship patterns that keep them feeling disempowered, sad and disillusioned that love will ever be different.  With happy healthy love, you are first and foremost developing a relationship with yourself based on an understanding of your feelings and needs, your ability to self-soothe, to respect and honour yourself. Having healthy boundaries, telling the truth and taking responsibility for your actions and behaviours. When you do this for yourself and live your life from this place, guess what?  You begin to attract people, events and situations in alignment with your truth.

Happy healthy love is about being in a conscious loving relationship with yourself and your partner.

Love is such a powerful force however it’s so easy when we finally do fall in love for our patterns to get triggered and for the relationship to bring up our insecurities,  past wounds, fears and hurts. When you are firmly anchored in a healthy loving relationship with yourself, it gives you a strong foundation to work from in your relationships with others.

So if it’s your intention to kiss goodbye to being single in 2017, then contact me now to find out about Calling In The One Coaching and how to create happy healthy love…

Here’s to your transformation in love in 2017!

With love

0 ARE WE OPEN ENOUGH TO LISTEN TO WHAT MEN ARE CRAVING

So when I was scrolling through facebook one evening this week, alone in my bed…single girl and all that!!! I came across a post from one of my girlfriends by the lovely John Wineland (Confession: I’m his new number one fan) about what men are craving… The video was in response to the many articles written by women on the consciousness website Elephant Journal, asking for men to be present in our relationships, for men to be fearless and bold in their love for us and for men to listen to what we want from them.

Let’s face it, if you’re a conscious woman, you want a conscious man.

Conscious women around the planet have been calling out to men for some time now and I know I speak for many of us when I say, I am delighted John and the men he represents have heard us and responded to our call. John’s response truly warmed my heart and opened me up to a new understanding and appreciation of men. The challenges they face and how they too, are desiring to be understood and to delve into new depths of relationship and relating.  To relating in ways that honour their women and themselves.

Men and women want to experience acceptance, deep love, intimacy and hot sex (all day, every day) !!!  I hear you, John, that men love “range”. We love range too, we love that we are sexy, playful, sensual and captivating.  We love how our feminine presence and movement can “de-purpose” you and open you up to a whole new day.  We love and appreciate you for allowing us to be feminine.

We hear you… we want to surrender to our men.  To be vulnerable, to trust you and to let you lead us. We too recognise our challenge with this.

We know the challenge and struggle we have with this is because we’ve been hurt, let down & betrayed. We also know as conscious women that we’ve created relationships to heal the “unconscious wound” of childhood and that at some deep level, we’re both here, men and women to heal each other. We also know it takes a huge amount of courage to let the past go and to begin again AND that is why I love this conversation. I love this

I love this video, because men and women are powerful, we’re both powerful creators. It’s men and women that hold the essence of pro-creation, the miracle of life and birth… AND I love how you ask the question…

“What do you want to create with us?” and you finish it with the statement..

“Because we want to create with you?”

Let’s start a new conversation, a conversation with each other based on acceptance, love and deep appreciation.

To my readers, I really hope you enjoyed John’s video,  I am going to be sharing a series of video posts and tips on creating conscious relationships in the coming weeks.

With much love

0 Cheating: it’s not about the sex

If your partner has cheated on you then, at some point you’re going to end up tormenting yourself about them having sex with the other person. You can’t help it, it totally unhinges you as you suddenly doubt yourself and your relationship, the questions swirl around and around in your head…

Were they better than me? was it more exciting? more passionate? are they sexier? did they turn you on? did you do things with them that we didn’t do? … the list is endless.

The thing is, in most cases the cheating is not about sex, sure, some people could be in a sexless relationship, or what was once a passionate relationship and is going through a dry spell. The sex in an affair is an added bonus and can seem to be the driving force, however in most instances, the sexual attraction and chemistry start because something gets triggered in the person who cheats. In most cases, the cheater is woken up to their spirit and they feel alive again, turned on to life when for whatever reason they were previously feeling dead inside. Disconnected from themselves, their truth, their spirit and their source of love.

Deep fulfilling long-term relationships are founded on love and intimacy. It has been my belief for a long time that when couples hit a rough spot, it is because they are being challenged to reach a new level of intimacy in their relationship.  Life is provoking you to dig deeper, be more vulnerable, share more of who you are, and this scares people. We ask ourselves, Will I really be loved for all of me? for my insecurities? my failures? my faults?  For the parts of me I don’t accept or like about myself?

In the video below, Esther Perel (love this woman’s work) talks about Why Happy Couples Cheat, and it is brilliant.

I’m going to be sharing more about creating intimacy in relationships, overcoming affairs and cheating in other posts.

Stay tuned and as always if you are going through a relationship challenge then please drop me an email, let’s connect and see where I can serve you.

With love

0 Didn’t you know it’s trendy to Practice the “F” Word

Okay, I know what word you were thinking of??? But it’s not that one… (I can see you rolling your eyes!!!)

This word is actually harder to practice than the one you’re thinking of, which right now, probably rolls effortlessly of your tongue in relation to your ex!!!  That’s right, the word I’m talking about is forgiveness…

What would happen if you forgave your Ex? If you decided to suspend all punishing thoughts and stopped judging them for your marriage breakup?

Can you begin to contemplate this or are you finding yourself saying, “No way! Why should I let them off the hook?  Why should they not suffer? They don’t deserve my compassion, empathy, let alone my forgiveness!”

I know, I get it, I’ve thought that too.  When my Ex and I broke up, I wanted to punish him, I wanted him to suffer and feel my pain, I believed if he felt bad then he would “do the right thing”! Whatever that was! .

You see, the thing with divorce is we want to blame someone, we want to make someone wrong and assign guilt, we think if we forgive someone then it minimises our pain, that they won’t understand how much they have hurt us. Traditionally, we’re raised to believe in right and wrong and when you’re wrong, you need to be punished.

On an unconscious level, we believe in some small way that if  we punish the other person, through our joint suffering we will create understanding and connection and this connection, may be what brings us back together.

The problem with this thinking is, it exacerbates our own suffering and it keeps us in a place where we continue to judge and punish ourselves.

If you are judging another, you are judging yourself.

If you are withholding forgiveness to another, you are withholding forgiveness to yourself.

Perhaps a better question would be,  “What in yourself do you need to forgive?”

With my divorce, I felt guilty my children were going to grow up without their father and a complete family. Because my husband had an affair, I felt I wasn’t “enough”. I must have “put on too much weight, or been nagging” etc. I blamed myself.  This was different to me taking responsibility for the situation I was in.  It was about me punishing myself for not being able to keep the marriage together, therefore, I was punishing him.

In my coaching, I work with the premise, “Structure has integrity”  if you think about your house, it’s stable due to the foundations of the building, the structure, without it, your house would fall down.  Forgiveness is a higher structure, it is a vibration of love for yourself and another and it starts with the intention to suspend all judgement and punishment and to honour all aspects of who we are. When we own the completeness of our being we acknowledge we are good/bad, kind/harsh, loving/unloving, judging/accepting.  We are perfectly complete in our wholeness.

Choosing to forgive another, starts with forgiving yourself.  What do you need to forgive yourself for in your divorce?

If you would like help with this exercise then please email me at admin@maxineclancy.com or complete our contact me form. I would love to work with you on this process.

With love

0 Are you sick’n’tired of your divorce situation?

The first turning point of my divorce journey was when I decided to accept the reality of my situation.

Six months after my husband had left to live with his girlfriend, he was looking after the children and I begged him to come home. I must have triggered his guilt, or so I thought as he returned to the family home. Four days later he moved out, and I discovered the only reason he came back was because his girlfriend had thrown him out as he had also cheated on her.

It was ten days before Christmas and it was my lowest point. I was sick and tired of the whole situation!  I was skinny, if I wasn’t so unhappy I would have celebrated how much weight I had lost, but in truth, I was nauseous all the time and couldn’t eat. I was devastated, anxious and had lost the will to live. I couldn’t believe the man who had once loved me so much could be so callous and selfish. In my heart, I knew it was only me who could change the way I was feeling and if I wanted 2011 to be any different, I had to choose to it.

I was devastated, anxious and had lost the will to live. I couldn’t believe the man who had once loved me so much could be so callous and selfish. In my heart, I knew it was only me who could change the way I was feeling and if I wanted 2011 to be any different, I had to choose to it.

I couldn’t change my  Ex’s mind or my situation, I had to change my thinking.

In the midst of my angst, I decided to accept my reality, he was not coming back and I had to move on. I knew I didn’t want to start the New Year depressed and anxious. I wanted to feel different.

So here’s the good bit… You don’t have to wait for a New Year to choose to change your thinking,, you just need to get to the point where you’re sick and tired of your creality and choose to accept it.  It will be a tmajor turning point in your journey.

Here’s what you can do…

I have always kept a journal and I started to write…

I’m sick and tired of you behaving like a child…

I’m sick and tired of supporting you emotionally…

I’m sick and tired of your abrupt attitude…

I’m sick and tired of you being a crap inconsistent father…

I’m sick and tired of your lies…

The list went on, I wrote over 200 “sick ‘n’ tired” statements. I let it all out and I realised I was ready to let go of him.

I then wrote another list…

It was the list of what I would love in my life for me and my children and I worked with my intuition on what I truly wanted, it was a rock solid family. I wrote a vision of what that looked like, what we would do and how I would be with my kids and I chose to focus on that.

Power comes from making a choice to accept what is, and in choosing a true vision for you and your family.

You can listen to my Sick’n’Tired Podcast on soundcloud.

If you would love help with writing your list or you want to post some of your “sick ‘n’Tired” in the comments below then we would love to support you on your journey. PS. You don’t need to share your list with your Ex.

With love

0 Changing Your Divorce Story: From Fear To Love

The thing with divorce, is it catapults you into massive uncertainty and fear.  Everything you knew to be true is no longer the same, you find yourself questioning everything and feeling as if you know nothing.  The uncertainty about your partner, your life, your home, your kids and your finances is all too much, and your conversation with yourself and others becomes one of fear.

One of the biggest challenges anyone faces (myself included) at the beginning of divorce is how to change the story from fear to love. Fear creates a constant and never ending assault on your thoughts and feelings. You find yourself going around in the “crazy 8 loop”, a place of no beginning and no ending. It starts with a thought, “Where will I live?” which leads to “How will I support myself?” to “Why did he leave?” and then it’s “what did I do wrong?” to “I should have been more patient”. The thoughts become one long chain reaction and you’re yourself locked in self-doubt, self-criticism and feelings of unworthiness.

Does it have to be this way?  What if we replaced fear with love? It’s hard to believe you can especially when you are in the process of divorce.

When coaching clients I help them to understand how FOCUS exacerbates pain and fear.  Whatever you focus on expands, if you focus on fear, life get scarier, if you focus on loss, you feel sadness.  If you focus on the lack of love, you experience the lack of love. If you believe you experience love as a result of your “significant other” and they are no longer there, then love becomes unavailable to you.

It’s not true though, people can be a catalyst for love, however, the love you feel comes from within, it’s your natural state of being and it’s who you really are. You are an infinite source of divine love and all healing comes from love. In order to heal your divorce, you have to connect to the love within you.

Imagine if you were to focus on the love in your heart on a daily basis and you began to feel happier, lighter and more able to deal with your divorce, wouldn’t that be better than pain and suffering? I am not talking about denying your feelings of sadness, however, I am suggesting you choose to alleviate your fear by connecting to love, the love within you.

One of the easiest ways to shift from fear to love is to begin to find small things to be grateful for, to appreciate yourself, to be kind to yourself, and choosing to feel love for yourself no matter what. You can listen to a powerful “Connected Heart” meditation below.  When you shift your focus to love, and connect to your real power, you activate your own healing.

With love